chapter two: bitter and tainted

Shutting my locker for the last time as an eleventh grader, I heaved a great sigh as I turned around. My eyes scanned the near-empty halls as some jocks passed by, pouncing on each other excitedly as they yelled out the words to Alice Cooper's teen anthem 'School's Out' like something out of some cheesy high-school flick. I rolled my eyes and pulled my headphones out of my messenger bag, shaking my head as I reached in to turn it on. As music filled my ears, I skipped ahead a few songs on my Lifehouse CD.

"I hate this school," I muttered as the jocks left me alone in the hall. I leaned down to tie my shoelace that had been loose since third period. "Eleven down, one more year to go."

I tied it quickly and tighter than I meant to, so I switched to my other foot to tighten the other one as Jason Wade serenaded me. Once they were level, I began to stand, but I stopped and stayed down, lowering my head to watch through my long, dark brown bangs as a pair of shiny black boots slowly walked by, the soft thud of the thick heels echoing through the empty hall. The owner imitated the catwalk in the most perfectly dark way... or at least, dark to me... always dark, like a harsh rain cloud following me around.

I gulped hard. One more year to go...

"Figures," she said, her voice unnaturally low. If we were around people, she would have been louder, just as she always was, trying to get everyone to laugh at me when she'd finish with her snide remark. "Down on the ground again. You're right where you belong. Just like a rat."

Slowly I stood, and raised my eyes to meet hers. They were green like mine, and were brought out by her hair that framed her face perfectly, dyed a sickeningly fake plumb red. She smiled at me, but there was no sign of any kind of serene pleasantries in her lips. Her grin widened to bare her big white teeth, as if there was something in front of her that amused her.

"She's got a pretty smile. It covers up the poison that she hides. She walks around in circles in my head...waiting for a chance to break me, a chance to take me down..."

"Terra," I breathed her name, my teeth chattering. Not from fear or intimidation, but from pure hatred. I licked my lips, and finally let some of it show as I glared at her. "Fuck off."

She laughed. It was malicious and intoxicatingly familiar. I wanted to slap her.

"Nice comeback, Carter," she said. She flipped her hair over her shoulder and pretended to brush some dust off the shoulder of her pink sweater. "Oh, look at that. I'm getting all dusty and dirty just being near you. Now I understand why Billy Jennings always looks so greasy. I guess he deserves it anyway, if he's still hanging out with you after that shit you pulled on everyone last summer. He's so pathetic."

I clenched my fists so hard that my knuckles cracked and the sound echoed through the hall. I was nearly boiling over with rage now, all thanks to a few little words from her. I could take all the bullshit in the world for myself and find a way to deal with it, but when someone even made an attempt to rip on my best friend, I was ready to crack a skull.

I stepped up close to her so that I was in her face, at perfect eye level with her thanks to those stupid boots of hers. "If you say one more word about Billy I will make your ugly face part of the floor."

Terra stared at me in shock before busting out laughing, right in my face. I barely flinched.

"Ugly?" She stepped back, waving me away. "Honey, if you want to call something ugly, go looking the mirror." I was too busy grinding my teeth to get a response in before she walked away, once again as if she was trudging down a runway, laughing the whole way. As she left my sight, I started to cool down. It didn't matter anyway. She was right. I wasn't good with comebacks... at least ones that didn't involve violence.

Staring after her, I pulled my headphones back on and hoped that this encounter would be the first and last of the summer. I would have prayed for it if I were a religious person.

"It's so shallow and all so appealing. I'm up to my ankles and I'm drowning anyway in a sea of sarcastic faces, familiar places... everything looks quite the same here."

I stalked off in the other direction, hands in my pockets and head low, just as she always made me feel, even just by looking at me - low. I had a history with her, and it was painful and gruesome and it was something I hated to remember or ever recall. I never spoke of her or thought of her, but whenever I saw her it was like my life always revolved around the things she did to me.

Terra Delran was this girl who I was friends with for the longest time... well, actually about six months, and then off and on for another six months because we couldn't let go of each other. She was my best friend next to Billy, but she was completely different from what Janie was to me now. I've had a handful of friends who have come and gone, but none like her. No one has ever been like her. She pulled out everything inside me that I hated, and still hate myself for.

I'd known her since I was fourteen. She introduced me to life, or at least, one different from mine. She brought different sexualities into my mind, my first joint, and my first facial piercing my mother had previously forbidden me to get. She made my world spin in so many ways I couldn't describe, but they were all more emotional than physical. She was everything I hated and I was addicted to her. Terra was fake and manipulative and completely self-absorbed and dramatic and her life was a mess and so was mine. She just came in and made it messier.

And it was all because I hated her.

"It's all confusingly amusing," Jason Wade crooned in my ear. I agreed with him. "Bitter and tainted, the picture you painted to me."

I went through a long phase where I hated myself, and she was the climax of that. I hated myself and I didn't want to be me anymore. Terra was popular and cool and everybody loved her, and even though she embodied all of the things I hated as an outcast, I wanted to be her. I became self destructive, very lost and too outgoing, ditching my friends to follow her somewhere so I could drink and smoke pot. I had daily screaming matches with my mother, I snapped at Billy when he tried to talk to me, and then I left him alone on my fifteenth birthday, when we had plans for him to treat me to a movie with the allowance he'd saved up for the occasion.

He had been alone for an hour, waiting for me to meet up with him at the movie theater. I never showed because I was crossing New Jersey to get to the beach, where I drank so much that I passed out drunk and woke up alone on the beach the next morning. Terra and her friends had left me, and I had to call my Mom to come and get me so I could come home. I got into a physical fight with her shortly after when she tried to ground me, so Mom locked me up in a mental institution so I could get counseling for my anger management problems. I didn't get out of there until the New Year. She also did it to me because she thought that keeping me from hanging out with Terra would make my wild behavior stop. It didn't. It only stalled it.

I was back in her company once I was let out of the house. Everything was back to the way it was. I never even thought about how she just left me there on the beach. I never thought about the things she encouraged, or how she pushed me into things that made me hurt Billy, or how my relationship with my mother was going from bad to worse.

I had never been what you would call a... happy person. My life was hard. So hard in fact, that I was in therapy and on Prozac by the time I was ten. These things increased when Terra began to make my life crazy. It's hard for me to explain how she did it, but she put so much emotional stress on me that my hair was turning gray before I was even old enough to drive. But the stress got worse when my mother scheduled more appointments with my shrink and had my medication switched to Paxil.

That really threw me off. I was subconsciously dependent on the medication, and to just go and suddenly change it... proved not to be a good idea. It messed with my head and made me completely unstable and hopelessly depressed. I began to abuse Terra as much as she'd abused me. I broke off my friendship with her and I avoided Billy. She'd come back crawling and I'd pick her up again in a second, only to throw her out a few days later and then repeat the cycle again. It was sick and scary and it made my heart hurt.

When I broke up my friendship with Terra 'for good,' I got a letter from her about two months later. The letter said that she wasn't doing so well, and she missed me. This boiled up so many mixed emotions for me. Terra and I had always shared something more than friendship, and she was finally addressing it. I didn't know what to do, because I didn't know what I wanted. We became friends again, but we fought all the time. She wanted us to be close, but I wasn't sure about anything at all. I finally thought about everything she put me through, and I didn't know what to do about it.

As our friendship grew again, she drifted away in the sense that she soon didn't want me anymore. Terra only came to me when she was sad or rejected. When she was happy, there was nothing she wanted to talk about with me. When she was happy, there was nothing she wanted to hear from me. And when I finally pointed these facts out she turned it around and made me feel guilty for thinking like that.

That's what made me snap.

It ended last summer. I completely lost it. And it was like the world stopped for a while. It was nice, a much-needed break from the constant spinning and the emotional roller coaster I'd been on with Terra. My entire world changed. I slept for so long, and when I woke up, I was a different person. And everyone hated me.

Billy was the only one who really stuck around, because he knew what was going on with me, and he'd never give up on me, even though I told him to fuck off. He gave me the space I needed but he never turned his back on me, despite those dark times when I turned my back on everyone, after the world stopped.

I had a headache now. And I'd done so much hard thinking about the past two years, that I could feel my brain pounding in my head as I realized that I'd taken a wrong turn down the hall while I was on my way to see Billy. I felt so drained and depressed. I just wanted to skip out on meeting up with him and Janie so I could just grab Leon, take him home and curl up with him in front of the TV, instead of the plans we had to go cruising around Philadelphia. I was so frustrated, just thinking about doing anything else made me want to burst into tears. My mood swung around me violently as I made my way toward the area Billy's locker was in.

"Yo!" someone yelled behind me before grabbing my shoulders. Startled, I screamed as I spun around to see Billy's laughing face. Janie was a few steps behind him, rolling her eyes. "You're so jumpy. I do that to you every day. When are you going to learn?" he said after I pulled my headphones down around my neck.

I glared at him, not amused. "When you fucking quit doing it."

He cocked an eyebrow at me. "What's with the attitude? You know I'm just messing with you."

"I know... I'm sorry," I sighed, taking off my hat to run my hand through my shoulder-length hair. "I'm just in a really bad mood, I didn't mean to snap at you."

"It's cool. Did something happen?"

"I ran into Terra, who not so kindly let me know that I'm... dirty," I paused and thought about what she had said, and then I looked at myself. My clothes were perfectly clean and my hair was brushed.

"Just ignore her," Janie said. "She's just a bored, stupid bitch."

"You of all people should know that," Billy said quietly, looking at me.

I nodded slowly, looking away. "Guys, I'm not really feeling up to much tonight, so I think I'll just go catch up with Leon and see if he wants to hang out at my house."

"What?" Billy cried angrily, "You're going to ditch us for that asshole?"

I sighed again, exasperated. "Billy..."

"We've been planning this for two weeks!"

"That's why you guys should go ahead and do it. I'm just all tired and cranky and crap."

"Is this because I wouldn't agree to let him come along? He's not part of our group-"

"Because you won't let him be," I snapped quickly, glaring at him again. I put my hat back on backwards and folded my arms across my chest.

"Because you shouldn't even be around him," Billy said quietly. "You shouldn't trust him."

"Just because you don't-"

"I don't trust him, Regan. I've tried, but I just don't have a good feeling about him. I know he's going to hurt you."

"You don't even know him Billy, how could you make a judgment like that?"

"Guys, cut it out!" Janie yelled suddenly, putting her hands up. She looked at us and began to speak in an authoritative, threatening tone that demanded, and got, our full attention: "Billy, your best friend is tired, and she doesn't feel good, so it would be nice if you would just not give her a problem when she wants to go spend a quiet night at home with her boyfriend... type... person. We can do it as a threesome some other night." Despite the tension our argument had made between all of us, Billy ended up snorting and trying to fight laughter at Janie's last sentence. When she glared at him, he stopped.

Then she looked at me and spoke more softly. "And you know Regan, if your best friend believes you might be making the wrong decision in the romance department then maybe, on account of the fact that you've known Billy for six years now, you should take his thoughts into consideration. I mean, he knows you so well, don't you think you owe him that much?"

Defeated, I pursed my lips and shuffled my feet. I shrugged. "I guess."

Billy looked very smug now. Janie caught this and scolded him again. "And you need to be nicer about it, William. This is her first romantic relationship after all, and I'm not taking sides here, but you could be wrong about Leon because she is right - you don't know him. Stop arguing about it and try to be more considerate of each other, will you?"

"Fine," we both mumbled, briefly glancing at each other.

"I have to go see Mrs. Gibbs about something before she leaves, so I'll meet you guys outside?"

Billy and I nodded. "I have to go catch up with Tony for a bit, too," he said.

"And I wanted to go talk to Leon," I said. Billy look displeased, but he didn't say anything.

"Alright, then lets meet on the front stoop and go from there," Janie said, nodding to us. She left first and then Billy and I shared a glance. It was suddenly like a second grade flashback when Billy huffed at me then turned on his heel to leave. I rolled my eyes and walked in the other direction.

On the inside, I began to rant to myself about how much of a dummy Billy was, but I was distracted when I passed Terra in another hallway. This time she just looked at me, because she was surrounded by her perky, excited friends who kept squealing and talking a mile a minute. I tried not to look at her, but it was hard. It was an annoying shock to see her again in that hall, but I didn't really care as much until she eyed me with a mocking twinkle in her eyes and a holier-than-thou smirk that her crowding friends mimicked when they saw me as well.

I knew they all thought I was dirt compared to them. They wore designer clothing and perfect make up and listened to everything on MTV while I donned boyish clothes from the thrift store, a baseball cap and dirty high top sneakers, and I listened to bands that they'd never heard of. I had the money to conform like them but I chose not to. I chose to be the boring, simple me that I always was, because that way everything came natural and that's what made me feel... comfortable.

And though I was comfortable with these things, I was still self-conscious about everything that had to do with me. I hated looking bad. I hated it when people talked about me behind my back. I hated being made out as the enemy when all I want is to get away from the people that hurt me. That's what she does. She pulls out the worst in me and makes me think that the worst is all I am. But most of the time, I see it the right way -- she was the worst in me.

Terra flipped a few locks of her unnaturally plum colored hair over her shoulder as she stared at me with that ruby red smirk I hated. It was a look they had all mastered and showed to everyone who wasn't like them.

I returned the stare. I locked eyes with her and didn't even blink once, as she did. I tried to look as indescribable as I always wanted to feel around her, but usually that came off as anger. Either way was fine, but I didn't want her to know how she still affected me after all this time. I stared until she was out of my sight, when it was stupid to turn around and look back.

It was stupid to look back at anything. That was one of the things I went by in life. Don't look back. The memories always remain, but sometimes it's just not worth it to look back and dwell at all on anything. She was one of those things I refused to dwell on. And though I say I refuse to dwell, I always end up thinking about her. I wanted nothing to do with her, but I couldn't forget her.

I tried my best to shake it out of my mind when she was gone, and I continued on my way to find Leon. It took me a while to get there, because I stopped to put my CD player away and go to the bathroom, but after that I hurried over to the other side of the school, where the other class's lockers were. My sucky afternoon mood was about to get worse. Terra made her third appearance that day as I approached the hall I knew Leon would be in, clearing out his locker. She walked across the hall ahead of me that I was trying to get to, oblivious to my presence nearby, and broke out into a half-hearted run in the middle.

"Leon," she called, with sickening sweetness in her voice. It gave me the chills and I was very alert now, and I wondered how she knew him. Leon knew I hated her, but he'd never said anything about knowing her.

"Hey," he replied as she left my sight, and then things were quiet.

Concerned and curious, I moved up against the wall and sidled across it, then leaned my head around the bend. And then I wished I hadn't, because they were fiercely making out against his locker.

My heart stopped for a few seconds. I couldn't move. I couldn't blink or breathe or turn my head or close my eyes, even though I wanted do to all of those things. I couldn't feel much either, other than the bile that was beginning to rise in my throat.

They kissed for a while and he moved his hand up her shirt. I felt the tears begin to sting my face at that moment and I managed to pull my head back and lean against the wall. I sucked in a deep breath and stared ahead, but everything was so blurry because of my watery eyes. I could hear their lips smacking together from way over there, and it made me feel sick. All I could think of was... how? How could he do this to me?

"Wait, wait," Leon said, and I leaned back over the bend a little, only so I could look upon them with one eye. I stayed hidden as well as I could as I watched him push her away, though not very far. "We shouldn't do this here. Regan might show up. She said she was going to look for me after school."

"That would be fun," Terra said, a sick smile on her lips. "I'd love to see the look on her face at that moment."

"Terra..." Leon sighed.

"When are you going to break up with her? You are going to do it. aren't you?"

"Yeah, I'm going to do it soon... but either way, yeah... she's on the back burner now. Actually, she's not really on any burner. Or whatever. I'll take someone like you any day over Regan... someone as hot as you, and stable... any day. Regan... it just gets old. Fast."

Terra was smirking as he said this. "If that's how it is, why did you hook up with her in the first place?

"I really don't know. Moment of weakness. Call me crazy if you want. But it doesn't matter now, she and I are history as soon as I see her again. I was going to do it last night after the show, but thanks to you, I couldn't go..."

She pouted. I wanted to rip her face off. "I couldn't help myself. I hadn't had a good romp like that in a while. And you almost ruined it when you picked up the phone in the middle of it. She could have found us out that way, because I'm surprised that she didn't hear the bed! It was shaking so much, it sounded like a rattle snake," Terra said seductively, moving in closer to his mouth. Tears fell down my face when I saw his smile.

"Yeah, I'm surprised she didn't hear you squealing..."

I pulled back again and closed my eyes as I laid my hot cheek against the cool wall, remembering our phone conversation from the night before.

"You're still at home?" I frowned, looking at my watch. As I did this, through the phone I heard a kind of rattling sound in the background, but it was hard to make out. "You're going to be late for the show. The doors open soon."

"Yeah," he gasped suddenly. "I can't make it! S-something's come up."

He sounded so weird and rushed. It was so suspicious. I felt like there was something I didn't know. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah," he said, dragging his word on for a while, like he was distracted. I bit my lip. Suddenly, there was a loud thud and I think I heard him squeal before he cried, "Ahh!"

"What was that?"

"Nothing! I... stubbed my toe! Ow."

I wasn't convinced. I could tell there was something he wasn't telling me, and it was pissing me off. I sighed. "Whatever Leon, are you going to be here or not?"

"Not. Sorry."

He was weird and rushed and distracted because he was in the middle of having sex with someone who made my life miserable.

"C'mon, baby... you've been going around behind her back for two weeks trying to hide, aren't you tired of this?"

"You know I am, but she's so fragile, Terra. What if I tell her about us and then she runs off and tries to kill herself again, like she did last summer?"

My eyes widened and I glared around the corner at him. First, I wondered how he knew that but quickly realized Terra must have told him. And then all I could think of was, don't flatter yourself, you fucking pig. My feelings were shifting fast between anger and depression over this new discovery, and I became exhausted over it when they she pouted at him and they kissed again. Head in my hands, I turned around and walked away, hurrying down the hall.

I'd been like that for a good ten minutes, and as I sat there I wondered what Leon and Terra were doing right then. And my stomach became even more upset when I got the idea that they were in an abandoned bathroom or custodian's closet having a quickie. I squeezed my hat so hard in anger that I heard the bill snap. I kind of felt like I was falling and there was nobody there to catch me before I hit the ground.

"Hey, Reggie!" Billy's voice came up behind me happily. I felt him sit down beside me and then he draped his arm across my shoulders. "I just got done talking to Tony and Ian. They said that Toasty Milhouse Nixon got a gig tonight at a VFW in Jersey. Are you sure you just want to go home?"

I nodded, refusing to lift my head. I didn't want him to see my tears.

"Where's Leon?"

I finally looked up, but I turned my face away from him and shrugged. "I don't know. I don't care."

"Why not? Did you guys have a fight?"

I got up and put my broken hat on, forwards so I could pull it down low over my face. "Tell Janie I said bye for me, will you? And I'll call you both later. I'm just going to go home."

I started to walk away, and Billy didn't say anything. He just ran out in front of me and stopped me. "Look, Rae, you can't fool me-"

"I'm not trying to," I said quietly, now struggling hard to fight back tears. "I just need to go home now."

"What happened?" Billy was concerned. He didn't look smart or smug or happy to be right about anything - which he should have because it was obvious now that something had happened between Leon and I. But he wasn't any of those things because all I saw in him was concern and sympathy, and it made me break down in his arms.

Crying softly, I told him what I'd heard exchanged between Terra and Leon, and he just hugged me, rubbing my back soothingly. He had no mean comments, but he should've said to me over and over again, 'I told you so.' I felt so foolish. Billy had been right about Leon all along.

"Do you want me to beat him up for you?" he asked softly.

Leaning back, I shook my head as I sniffed and wiped my eyes. "No, don't." He looked really disappointed. I actually smiled. "I'm going to do it."

Billy looked at me blankly for a few seconds, before smiling proudly. His eyes focused on something behind me, and his smile suddenly faded. He looked angry. I turned around and Leon was approaching me, looking normal and confident as he always did. Before that day, his dirty-blonde hair, hazel eyes and chiseled features made him look so cute. But now he just looked like a complete asshole to me. I wanted to kick him between his legs. Really hard.

"Hey Regan," he said happily, and leaned in to kiss me. I turned my head so he'd miss, and his eyebrows rose curiously at me. Then he shook it off and asked me, "Can I talk to you about something? In private? It's really important."

Billy tugged lightly on my shirtsleeve. "Let's go find Janie. I'll give you a ride home."

"Excuse me, I'm trying to talk to my girlfriend," Leon said quickly and sternly, glaring at Billy.

"She's not your girlfriend."

"Fuck off, will you?"

I jerked my hand away when he tried to take it. "Don't talk to him like that," I snapped.

Leon was surprised. "Okay," he said slowly, and looked at Billy. "Sorry."

"You're such an asshole," I growled, clenching my fists. I hated him so much.

He didn't look very bothered by what I said. He seemed more confused rather than offended. "Why? What did I do?"

"You know what you did," Billy spat, and I waved for him to stay out of it. Leon gazed at him warily.

"I know about you and Terra," I said.

Leon looked at me sharply. He was obviously very worried now, but he tried to cover it up with an innocent act. "Me and who?"

A second later, he was stumbling back on his feet grasping his bleeding nose, and my fist was pulsating painfully. I shook it off as I glared at him. He was crying out in pain and shock as students around us stopped to watch what was going on.

"Jesus, Regan!" He pulled his hands away and wrung them out. They were covered in blood, and so was his nose and mouth. And yet, I wasn't satisfied.

"Fucking pig!" I cried, and swung my foot forward. It was a perfect landing in that certain spot between his legs. He screamed and doubled over, clutching himself in maximum pain. "I never want to see you again."

At that second, Terra was coming out the front doors of the school as I backed off toward Billy. I stopped when I saw her, and I was enraged again when she gasped and hurried to Leon's side.

"I'm going to do the chick fight thing," I told Billy.

"Don't do the chick fight thing."

"It's going to happen."

"Don't do it, Reg."

"I'm going to rip her face off."

"Uh-oh," Billy grabbed my arm. "Code red. Uh-oh. Come on, let's go. Regan, don't lose it, here!"

"Let go," I cried, trying to lunge at her. But Billy dropped our stuff so he could hold me back with both arms.

"Don't, Regan! We're not in school anymore, you'll get arrested this time instead of suspended!"

Ignoring him, pushed him out of my way and went after her. She stood up, ready to start bitching me out, but I swiped at her face, digging my short nails into her skin as hard as I could. Then I grabbed her by her hair and punched her. She was screaming like the fucking pathetic sissy girl she was, and barely did anything to fight back.

"THAT'S ENOUGH!"

The yelling startled me, and when I stepped back I looked up and saw Mrs. Gibbs, the principal, come out of the school. Janie was a few steps behind her, and her jaw was almost hanging to the floor.

Mrs. Gibbs came over to check on Leon and Terra as two other teachers came out, followed by the school nurse and a student. I guessed that someone ran in to report me when the whole thing started. Mrs. Gibbs looked at me, her mouth in a thin line and her eyes small on her pale, wrinkled face. I knew I was in trouble. I was possibly court-bound with a possibility of a fine to pay or community service or maybe even in-patient counseling, because it's all happened before.

But I didn't care.

And I still didn't care when she pointed at me and said, "My office, Carter. Now. Before I call the police."

The clock was all I heard and it was driving me more insane than I everyone already thought I was. I was draped lazily across a very uncomfortable chair, sunken down low with my head against the back while my eyes followed a fly around Mrs. Gibbs office. She was seated silently on the other side of her desk in front of me, her hands folded over some papers and her deadly, silent gaze on me. I'd grown bored of staring back at her a long while before, and began to follow the winged insect when I heard it buzzing through the hole in the screen of her open window. I was just waiting to hear how disappointed she was in me. It wouldn't be anything I hadn't heard before, because I was more than sure that my own mother could write a three-hundred-page book about how much of a disappointment I was in general.

"Regan," Mrs. Gibbs said finally, sighing heavily.

Here it comes, I thought, pretending to look at her. But I gazed at the wall behind her to avoid her stinging disapproval. "We were really confident that you've calmed down since last year."

"I have," I said dully, crossing my arms and legs. I didn't smoke regularly, but at that moment I really wished I had a cigarette. I was nearly itching for one, and I knew exactly what kind I wanted, too. Newports. They tasted like summer to me.

"Beg to differ," Gibbs said, pronouncing her words very pointedly. "You almost broke Leon's nose and he's probably going to be bed ridden for a few days because of... that other injury you gave him," she tilted her head at me when I tried to fight a grin. "And you pulled out some of Terra's hair. Don't smile about this. You weren't in school when this happened, so this incident will be put in the hands of the law if she decides to press charges."

"I know how it goes," I said, agitated. "It's happened before."

"It's happened before," Gibbs repeated, shaking her head. "Regan, it's happened before. I don't think you really realize that. You've started meaningless fights before, been taken to court before, and put in counseling before for your behavior. After what happened last summer, we all thought you'd calmed down. Your mother-"

"It wasn't a meaningless fight," I snapped, sitting up straight.

"Care to elaborate on that?"

"Ask Leon," I mumbled, watching the fly again as I sat back.

"We did, and he has no idea."

"He's lying."

"Is he, now?"

I huffed, looking at the door. I glanced out the window beside it and saw him sitting out in the hall, slouched over in a chair with a red nose as he rubbed his head tenderly. His parents showed up and his Mom began to fuss over him. His Dad looked really angry, and started toward the door to the Principal's office. I jumped when he pounded his fist on it before entering the room.

"I want to know exactly what happened to my son, here," he said, sounding and looking all tough and crap. I rolled my eyes at the ceiling.

"Mr. Anderson, please wait outside, I'll be with you in a few moments."

"Is this the one? Did she do this?"

"Yeah," I mumbled, and then looked at him. "How's it feel to know your son got the shit beaten out of him by a girl?"

"Regan, that's enough!" Mrs. Gibbs roared, and escorted Mr. Anderson outside. She came back quickly, and had my mother with her.

"Oh, great," I cried to myself, closing my eyes as I sunk back down in my seat. I rubbed my face, very tired of all of this. I just wanted to go home and sleep. This was supposed to be a good day - no more school for the rest of the summer. It was supposed to be a time for parties and celebration, not misery and police reports.

Mom sat down in the seat beside me, but didn't say anything to me. She didn't even look at me.

Tick, tock, tick, tock.

"Now, Regan," Gibbs started again, sitting in her chair. "Mind telling us exactly why you attacked Leon Anderson and Terra Delran?"

I didn't answer right away. I sucked lightly on my bottom lip and nibbled on my tongue for a bit, watching that fly buzz around by the ceiling, before I thoughtfully said, "Have you ever noticed how Terra's hair looks like a wig?"

"Regan, if you don't cooperate-"

"Really, though. It looks totally fake, like plastic. And the color just doesn't compliment the rest of her, at all."

Mrs. Gibbs sighed and looked at my Mom. "Ms. Marcetti?"

"Regan," my mother finally addressed me, though she didn't look at me. Her cold voice sent chills through me, and it was like a punch in the face. She only said that one word, but her tone was completely filled with hate.

I huffed again, looking at the fly as it set itself down on the side of a filing cabinet. "I've been dating Leon for a while and I just found out that he's been cheating on me with her. And since everyone here knows my grand history with her, maybe you could just imagine why I felt like beating them both to a bloody pulp so suddenly."

Everything was quiet for a while after that. I stared for a while and then turned to Gibbs when she cleared her throat, not looking at me. "Regan, I'm sorry that you were hurt that way by the two of them. I know these things can be hard. But violence is not the answer-"

"That's bullshit."

"Regan, I am sick of that mouth of yours!" Mom yelled, looking at me now. "You had no right to do what you did. I really thought you made a turn around from last year, but obviously I was wrong. I'm completely disappointed in you. I can't even look at you."

"That's nothing new," I mumbled as she turned away again.

Ten minutes later, I was still sitting in that uncomfortable chair, beside my uncomfortable mother as I watched the fly buzz around the uncomfortable room, oblivious to everything going on around it. Mrs. Gibbs left twice to talk to the Leon and Terra parties, were two parents were present for each, along with Leon's confused little sister, who I watched through the window.

She had on her ballet slippers, but not because she had a recital or rehearsal or anything. She was so in love with her ballerina status that she never, ever wanted to take them off or be anything else. She was only eight years old. She was very strange to me. I'd been a ballerina too, since I could walk until I was ten years old, and I was always overly anxious to discard my slippers. I hated how broken they made my feet, and I hated what they represented to me, even so early. It wasn't my choice to dance. My mother made me start.

It was so strange to hear, even to me. The idea was just crazy because I had so many stories from my childhood about me hanging out with the boys and riding my bike through the mud and puddles and climbing trees, but behind all of that I wore tights and a little tutu and the pink slippers that made my feet so heavy.

Tick, tock.

Mom didn't say anything to me while Mrs. Gibbs was gone. She barely even moved until the principal returned, with news that Leon wasn't going to be pressing charges, and Terra's mother said that they would if my Mom didn't take action and do something about my behavior. Mom was very empathetic about this, even a bit harshly as she always was. She was already coming up with a punishment for me, and I knew exactly what it was without her having to say it, because it was her 'solution' to everything.

Watching the fly sweep down through the air and land on the desk in front of me, I imagined my summer being filled by days with leather beds and barred windows with horrible food and daily counseling to figure out the source behind my so-called anger-management problems and work through my violent tendencies. After almost a year of calmness, one slip and this is what I knew was coming. Another cage. I couldn't ever get a break.

I silently said goodbye to the little fly, and reached forward and slammed my fist down on the desk. The bug was smashed under my hand, its guts cold and gross against my skin.

"That's ridiculous," he said angrily, "You did go crazy just now, but that's the first fight you've gotten into since last May. You've really changed since then, I mean, remember when you used to end up in the middle of some huge brawl at least once a month?"

During my sophomore year of high school, I barely had a 'legit' social life because I was too busy getting suspended twice, ending up in after-school detention for the greater portion of three weeks out of every month and then being grounded for most of the rest. My behavior wasn't exactly like royalty. I fought with a lot of people. I was never exactly popular or liked and so people always had something nasty to say to me.

For most of my life I just tried to ignore them and let them say what they wanted, but when I met Terra, I started acting on every impulse and expressing every emotion. I expressed my emotions through my fists and my knees and the big boots she got me to wear. I shed a lot of blood from others and was often seen with an ice pack wrapped around my right hand.

It stopped last summer, along with everything else. When I tried to kill myself. When I woke up from that my life was suddenly different, and I walked around a calm, sullen girl that everyone saw as easily breakable. Only my few friends ever talked to me anymore, and nobody provoked me at school because the entire student body knew what I did. Terra labeled me as pathetic for my failed attempt and ditched me, only ever talking to me again to insult me. But I made a point to be perceived by other as stolid. It sounds horrible, but it did me good. I stopped getting into trouble. I calmed down.

The situation I was in now was the first time since before that happened that I got into any kind of fight like this, and already so quickly everything was being thrown out the window. All over again, I was the biggest disappointment on the planet because I lost my temper once after a whole year of standing up straight and saying 'please' and 'excuse me' and 'I'm sorry' a hundred million times over.

"It doesn't matter," I told Billy, "I should probably start packing my bags."

"That's an awesome idea. I'll go do the same, and Janie will too and we can run away together. Let's go to California."

"No," I sighed. "I think Mom's going to lock me up again."

"That's ridiculous," he repeated, "Those two deserved what they got."

"I threw the first punch."

"This is stupid. She'd better not do that. I'm so pissed off." Something about the way he said that gave me the feeling that I was part of why he was pissed off.

But I shrugged it off and said good-bye, because I was tired and depressed and I wanted to have a few hours of mourning and self pity before I had to go downstairs and face my doom. I put the phone down and kicked my shoes off, turned my stereo on and threw my hat across the room before I lay down on my bed. With my arm draped my arm over my eyes, blocking out all of the afternoon light, I listened to the nightingale singing outside along with Rilo Kiley.

"...Last night, where the road had started and last night, when my hands were choking you. Last night, when the room and your mood was dipping, and last night when the ropes were pulling you in... you said, 'Hey, how could you love me this way?' You said, 'Hey, I think we're all ready...' I think we're all ready."

Suddenly I was feeling very groggy and the room was silent. I moved my arm and it was dark in my room. Life outside was quiet and the sun was down. I figured I must have fallen asleep, but it didn't make me feel any better, not even refreshed at all. I grabbed the remote for my stereo and turned the radio on to accompany me as I got out of bed and spent another hour or so wandering my room, trying to focus on some of the few activities I had to do in there, like going on the computer or watching TV or playing guitar. It didn't help much, and I ended up listening to a bad radio station, stomach-down on my bed with my hand hanging down on the floor.

"It's been awhile since I could hold my head up high. It's been awhile since I first saw you. It's been awhile since I could stand on my own two feet again. It's been a while since I could call you."

Ugh. No. Please.

There was a sick, empty feeling in my stomach, and I was hesitant to eat, in fear that I'd be sick, because of all of the anxiety that was building up in my insides... and I found myself often wondering how I was holding myself together. My relationship with my first... 'boyfriend' had just ended, and I'd only shed a few tears so far. My discovery was devastating, and being the weak, damaged, emotional person I was, I should have been sobbing my heart out by now. But I wasn't. I wasn't even close to that.

Why hadn't I fallen apart yet?

I wasn't about to wait for that moment, though. It's not like I actually wanted to break down like that. My mother might have jumped to conclusions like she usually does with me, and take me to the hospital on the spot instead of waiting to make the arrangements that I'm sure she was making at that very moment. She's very calm and collective when it comes to her job, but when something happens to my brother or me she usually panics... especially with me because I'm already so fucked up. Mostly, though, she treats me like I'm either extremely fragile or extremely invisible.

At the moment I was numb and otherwise heartbroken. But I didn't want to describe it like that, because I wanted to make myself stop loving at once. Loving anyone and everyone that I did. I just wanted to turn my heart off and be finally able to honestly say 'I don't care' instead of having it be a lie when I do.

Before I knew it, it was Saturday morning, my stomach was completely empty and I had only gotten about four hours of sleep. I'd spent the earlier hours laying in bed listening to music, my only exception being the time I grabbed my acoustic guitar from its stand next to my bed. When my writing attempt failed I opened my laptop and signed online to check my mail, and when I saw the new email from Leon, I only acknowledged it by deleting it.

I was sure that he'd figured out that I somehow discovered his affair with her and of course, since he knew so well how I was 'fragile,' he wanted to make an attempt to apologize in order to make himself feel better. Or it could have been the exact opposite - him bitching me out for what I did, not realizing what I knew and why I attacked him and Terra. For a second I thought I overreacted, but very quickly, I settled on not caring. I honestly was heartbroken, but with the way things were, and how I suddenly found it somewhat easy to resist him... a Fiona Apple lyric ran through my head.

My feel for you, boy, is decaying in front of me.

I thought of replying to his e-mail, and just saying that in the message box. But I didn't have the energy to bother.

He'd had me under some kind of spell since the moment I met him. I felt now I had to get away from him, and I should have listened to Billy from the very beginning. And with this sudden apathy I felt, it was like I was getting somewhere with that new goal to resist Leon.