chapter twenty-nine: waking up beside you

Maybe it was the warm sunlight on my face that woke me, or perhaps my sleep was spent. But I was sure that what woke me in the late hours of the morning on the first day of the New Year was the feeling of cool fingertips drawing invisible circles on my shoulder. I guess it doesn’t really matter either way, because I woke up and I was smiling before I even opened my eyes.

Everything was so still. The night had moved much more quickly, but I savored every second like a sweet taste in my mouth, which I didn’t want to go away. There are little things like that – tastes, touches, feelings, anything that’s small but precious like so, which can bring you back to a memory that’s almost fleeting. Kind of like a good dream that starts spinning into oblivion the second that you wake up. But mornings like these are the ones that make the savoring part that much sweeter, because it was the morning after a night that I hadn’t dreamed. All of it had actually happened. The fingers that drew circles on my shoulder let me know that instantly, but it still felt kind of surreal.

I reached my arm out lazily and felt around with the back of my hand, searching blindly for my lover. When I touched a soft flat spot of flesh very close by a feeling of content washed over my insides, leaving a clean feeling in me. Still sleep ridden I had yet to open my eyes, but finding him there with that simple touch was enough for me.

"Good morning," Zac said to me. His voice was low and soft yet solid. The sound had a warm happy vibe to it that wrapped around me like a blanket. I pressed my head into my pillow, reaching my arms out under it.

"Not morning yet," I mumbled. "Good dream."

"What are you dreaming about?" he asked. He shifted closer then. I could hear the sheets and blankets rustling and when he breathed it was like music that just soothed me further. When his naked skin touched mine under the covers I felt as if we were lying beside a bright fireplace.

My smile grew wider and I said, "In my dream I’m in bed with Zac Hanson, the most handsome and amazingly talented drummer on the planet."

I said it just so I could hear his reply, which he whispered into my ear, and I knew what it would be before he said it. "Open your eyes. It’s not a dream."

I did as he said, shifting so that I was lying on my side. Shifting created awareness in me of the soreness between my legs but I was immediately distracted by it when I saw his face. He lay there facing me with his hand continuing with that invisible creation of art on my shoulder. His eyes were radiant and beautiful, the smile on his face so full of happiness and peace. Seeing him like that made me feel complete.

But I felt silly for a moment. I used to think that I’d die a virgin, but now I knew that it didn’t really matter. I was certain that there were people out there who died happy every day. I felt as though I could, but it wasn’t a thought that stuck with me. I’d never felt more alive. I was waking up beside him. It wasn’t a dream anymore.

"It’s not a dream," I repeated his words. "But it’s still good."

His hand left my shoulder to push my messy hair out of my face. His was sticking up all over the place. "Is it?"

"It is," I said quietly. "It’s very good."

Zac moved in, wrapping his arms around me so that our bodies were so close, skin against skin, like the way we were when the night before ended. "Are you good?"

"I’m perfect." I pressed my face against his neck. "I’ve never been more happy to see you."

"Stole the words right out of my mouth," he said softly.

"How long have you been awake?" I asked as I pulled my head back.

"Not long. I just watched you sleep for a little while."

"How creepy," I said with a grin.

Zac rolled his eyes slightly. "I thought you’d say that. I don’t care, though. You’re cute when you’re sleeping."

"Really? I was under the impression that I was extremely horrifying."

"You were quite mistaken my love."

My love… I could definitely get used to that.

"So… last night." He was smiling.

A goofy grin formed on my suddenly flushed face, and I moved my face away shyly. "Yeah. Last night was…"

"Last night was beautiful."

"A great way to start off the New Year," I said in a silly, slightly childish voice. Though, what we did wasn’t childish at all.

He chuckled. "Oh, yeah. But… I guess it’s stupid to ask now, but are you sure that it wasn’t too soon?" he asked. I lifted my head and just looked at him, not saying anything. He looked at me closely. "I mean, I guess it was really soon, but if you want things to go more slowly, that’s—"

"Everything’s fine," I said. "I mean it. It felt right. This feels right."

Zac sighed, looking slightly relieved. "Okay. Good."

"I take it you really enjoyed yourself."

"God yes," he muttered running his hands up and down my back. "It was… it was amazing. That word sounds really stupid and small right now, but I can’t think of anything better. But honestly, I was really nervous."

"You were?" I asked surprised. "It really didn’t show."

He smiled almost shyly. "Yeah, I know. I don’t think I’ve been that nervous about sex since… well, since my first time. I tried to hide it as well as I could because I could tell you were, and I didn’t want to make you more uncomfortable."

"Did that make it bad? I mean…"

"No," he said quickly, "not at all, but what about you? Did you, uh, reach that, you know, that happy place?" He was grinning again.

I tried not to smile too widely. The curious look on his face was so silly. "Well… I’d be lying if I said yes. Actually, it kind of… it hurt too much for that."

Zac frowned. He looked so disappointed. "Really? Damn. I’m so sorry…"

"Zac, it’s okay," I said softly as I touched his face. "I expected it. Veda told me a while ago how the first time is. I didn’t know that it would feel like that, but I did have some idea…"

"Are you okay?" he asked lifting himself up on his elbow. "Does it still hurt?"

I nodded. "Yeah, but it’s alright, it’s not so bad."

He still looked concerned and almost angry with himself. "I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you. I know it’s really different for a girl but… I just wish you could have felt all the good things with me."

"I will," I said with a smile as I stared up at him. "Dude, that’s what practice is for, isn’t it?"

Zac grinned now. "Dude, yeah."

"Come here." I reached out to him and he leaned down to wrap his arms around me once more and kiss my lips softly.

He caressed my face with his and kissed me again much more deeply than before, sucking on my lips. Soon our legs became tangled together and we were kissing and touching under the blankets. To me it was a wonderful way to start off the morning, and something I would definitely look forward to every morning from now on.

If it weren’t for the fact that I still felt very sore, and for the fact that he’d only carried one condom in his wallet, he would have been moving inside of me again at that moment, and I would have been gasping over the good and beautiful friction that set my body on fire in a lovely way.

I would have been so glad to spend the rest of the morning like that, and the early hours of the afternoon but our kiss was broken when we were both startled by a knock on my bedroom door. Zac moved off of me and I sat up clutching the sheets to my chest, staring wide-eyed at the door.

"Keavy, are you up?" Mom called from the other side.

"Don’t come in, I’m naked!" I cried without thinking. Zac’s head turned quickly in my direction. When I glanced at him his face silently asked me if I was nuts, and I just shrugged.

"Honey, I know Zac’s in there with you, I saw his car outside."

And then the door opened.

Mom walked in completely oblivious at first. She was looking down at what she had in her hands – a bottle of water and my old medicine capsule. "Happy New Year, sweetie. I think it would be good if you started using this again so you don’t miss your medication time so much. What do you— oh my God."

"Mom!" I cried desperately as a rush of emotions overwhelmed me. I was embarrassed, beyond angry, extremely shocked, even scared, especially nervous – every negative feeling that my body was capable of all at once.

My mother just walked in on me with my boyfriend, naked, in bed, and best of all, on the morning after my very first time ever having sex. I almost felt like crying. This was not supposed to happen. It wasn’t supposed to go like this.

"What the hell is going on in here?" She yelled. The look on her face mirrored almost everything I felt.

"Get out!" I screamed.

"Keavy, it’s time to get dressed and send Zac home. You and I need to talk."

Mom was waiting for me, seated at the table with a cigarette in her hands and a clear glass ashtray in front of her. Usually when I’d see her smoke (which wasn't very often anymore because she was trying to quit) it would be with a stressed out look on her face, but she looked calm and normal. But I didn’t want to see her face at all. I was still embarrassed and annoyed more than anything – what right did she have just barging into my room like that?

It was just my luck anyway, I figured as I sat down across from her. I expected to spend the day in Zac’s arms, it was what I hoped and all that I really wanted, and instead I’d just finished kissing him goodbye at the door and was now preparing myself for a very much unwanted sex talk. I felt like I’d had no room to breathe. Some alone time was definitely in order for me now.

I couldn’t even sit on my own and think about New Years Eve, I couldn’t lay in my bed in a state of wonder over the fact that suddenly I belonged to Zac, and I couldn’t think about my life and smile. Not at the moment. I thought about my life and stared at the table angrily. I’d already been humiliated enough, but it was too much to ask that we just skip the lecture that I knew was coming and just move on from it.

Mom stabbed her cigarette out in the ashtray and exhaled a cloud of smoke over our heads. I rubbed my nose against my hood, pretending to scratch it while I was actually trying to avoid breathing it in.

She sighed. "Well, Keavy…"

Just two words in and I’d already had enough of it. "Mom, come on, isn't it a little late for a sex talk?" I asked exasperatedly as I spotted Melinda's fat and fluffy sister Pepper sitting on a mess of newspapers at the far end of the table.

"I'm just concerned," she said calmly.

"There's nothing to worry about," I told her as I stood. "Everything's okay." I moved to leave but she stopped me.

"Sit down," Mom said, her voice still very level. "I just found you naked in your bed with a boy. That's not something I can just let slide. I want to talk about this."

"I really don't."

"Don't be upset with me Keavy," she said, pleading slightly now. I sat down again. "I'm not angry, I just want to know what's going on."

"Wasn't barging into my room and finding out on your own enough?" I asked angrily.

She ignored my question. "You didn't even tell me you two were dating now."

"We weren't." I quickly regretted my words when a stunned look came over her face. "I mean, we are. I guess we are. I don't know."

"So you had sex with a boy you're not even going out with?" She sounded very shocked.

"I love him," I said calmly.

"Honey, I know you do. But I know how feelings like that can be overwhelming and cause you to make mistakes—"

And in a flash I was angry again. "What my feelings caused me to do is none of your business!"

"Keavy, you're fifteen years old!" she said slowly allowing her voice to rise with every word. "As long as you're under my roof I have the right to know what's going on in your life. Now you deserve your privacy and I respect that but this is a big deal."

I leaned back in my chair huffing as I crossed my arms. "It wasn't a big deal when Nyx went to a party and had sex with a guy she met there when she was fourteen."

"What does Nyx have to do with this?" she asked sounding perturbed at the mention of her. "That was four years ago. Nyx talked to me about it then and I'd like to talk to you about this now."

"Fine," I muttered. "Whatever."

"I know last night was a big night for you, spending New Years Eve with all of your friends. I just wish you would have waited."

"Waited?" I repeated with a scoff. "What, until I get married?"

"That would have worked," she said with a slight smile on her face. "But I didn't expect that you would. I just mean... like you said, you two weren't even dating before it happened. You've only been talking to him for a month now, and you've barely even been able to see him since Thanksgiving because he's been away."

I sighed loudly, growing more and more anxious to go back upstairs into the privacy of my room. Or, at least, to what used to be privacy. "You’re forgetting the fact that I've known him since August."

"I just would have preferred, for your sake, that things wouldn't move so fast with him. He is your first boyfriend, after all."

"For my sake?" I repeated her words again, shaking my head. "What's that supposed to mean? I don't see why it matters, anyway. I know that he loves me and I trust him, and it's not like he's going anywhere, it’s not like he’s just going to take off now that—"

"He will eventually," Mom interrupted gently. "His band is about to put a new album out."

I paused, surprised. That fact had a home in the back of my mind but I hadn’t been thinking about it much lately. "I know… but that's not what I mean."

"Honey, what I'm trying to say is I just don't want you to get hurt."

"Will you please stop calling me ‘honey’ like that? It's like you're talking to a child." I threw my hands up feeling totally peeved. "I'm not a child anymore. Why can't anybody see that?"

She lifted her eyebrows at me, confused once again. "But I always call you honey."

"Well, I'm mad at you right now," I said stupidly in a tone that contradicted my last statement.

"Keavy, I'm so sorry for barging into your room like that," she said looking repentant. "I shouldn't have done it. I promise that it won't happen again. I never told Nyx what to do with her love life, so I know that it won't be fair if I try to do that to you. And I won't."

"Okay," I said slightly miffed. I didn’t expect her to say that. "Thank you."

"I just want you to be careful, alright?"

Annoyed again. "I will. We will."

"Okay," she said putting her hands up as if to surrender. After a moment she put them down again and sighed. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine," I muttered. "I'm just annoyed."

"I mean are you hurt?" she asked gently. "From last night."

I scoffed loudly and pushed my chair back away from the table. "We're so not going to talk about--"

"I'm just asking because if you're hurting at all there're some pain killers in the kitchen cabinet," Mom said quickly. She'd raised her hands again.

I didn't answer right away. I was staring down as I picked some lint off of my sleeve, feeling bad for snapping at her like I did. "I'm kind of sore. But I'll live. Thanks, though."

Mom nodded. She paused then, and just looked at me for a while thoughtfully. I stared back for a while, screwing my mouth up to the side hoping she’d dismiss me soon. That last question had definitely been too much for me, even though I did plan on getting my hands on some of those pills at some point if I decided that I needed them. Eventually I looked away and gazed around the room until she spoke again. "Did he use protection?"

My eyes grew wide. "Mom! Please."

"Answer me," she said sternly.

I rolled my eyes. "Of course he did. I wouldn't have let it happen if he didn't. I know everybody likes to think I'm a stupid little girl but you might be surprised to find out I'm really not so much."

"Keavy, I know you. I know you're not stupid. You attend Trinity for crying out loud." She smiled again. "Listen, I trust you both. I know you won't do anything stupid. But I'd prefer it if you went on birth control."

I slouched forward with a grunt. "Mom, come on…"

"But I won't make you. Okay? I won't make you do anything you want to do. I want you to be happy but I want you to be safe, too. I trust that he'll do a good job of keeping you that way, but I at least want you to consider it, alright?"

"Okay. I'll think about it. But your next words better not be 'make him get an HIV test or something,'" I said quickly. She gave me a look. "Can I go now? I want to call Veda and see if she got home alright."

She became a bit apprehensive at her name. "You didn't let her drive home drunk, did you?"

"I never said she was drunk."

"You don't need to. I saw the bottles in your room. I know you guys were drinking last night."

"Oh…" I nibbled on my lip for a moment, now feeling guilty about the whole thing. Mom was very strict, and for good reason, about one of the rules of our household, which was that alcohol was not allowed in the house. I didn’t know what to say. "Um, sorry."

"It's alright," she said. She didn’t look angry, so I was relieved. "I expected it. Just don't make a habit of it, okay? You know the rules. No alcohol under this roof. I'll let it slide just this once, but if I find something like that again, you're grounded." I just nodded. I didn’t intend on breaking the rule again, but I didn’t really believe that she’d actually ground me if I did despite how strongly she felt about the subject. She’d never grounded me before in my life, or my sisters’. But obviously she knew what I was thinking because she leaned over the table, gave me a tough look and said, "I mean it."

I nodded again. "Okay."

"And speaking of those rules… don’t expect any of them to change. During the week your curfew sticks and he can only spend the night on the weekends."

I furrowed my brow irritably. "How come he can't but Veda can?"

"Veda can drive you to school."

"So can Zac!"

The phone rang suddenly, and she sighed in annoyance. She’d never gotten over her hatred for the phone, even though it had been years since she’d been harassed by a bill collector, which was something that used to be frequent. But she got up to answer it nonetheless. "We'll talk about this more later, alright?"

"Yeah," I said standing as well, very happy to finally be let off the hook.

I stepped away from the table and hurried back up to my room to take a shower. This time, I locked the door.

What are you supposed to think about right after you lose your virginity? What do you do? I’d lost mine and yet I had no idea. I was indescribable but happy. The only thing that bothered me was the fact that I couldn’t smell Zac when I buried my face into the pillow that he’d rested on during the night. But that wasn’t enough either because I knew that it would bear his scent sooner or later.

When Veda arrived at my house she immediately flung herself against the door as she turned the knob, expecting to burst in dramatically. I was off somewhere in my mind and the sudden bang brought me back down to earth. The bang was followed by a loud thud, and then seconds later, "Oww!"

I got up and hurried to unlock the door and when I threw it open she was sitting on the floor in the hall against the opposite wall. Murphy was standing next to her looking between us with his tail wagging wildly in the air. She looked pained, but I couldn't stop myself from bursting into laughter. Veda scolded me for locking it as I helped her up and when she followed me in she dropped a messenger bag that was obviously filled with heavy stuff, because it looked packed and it made a loud sound when it hit the floor similar to the one I heard when she tried to come in to my room and... failed to do so.

As I sat back on my bed I looked down at the bag curiously and that was when I discovered the magazines, which slid out when the bag fell over. They were all issues of magazines like Marie Claire, Glamour and Cosmopolitan. I was about to ask why she brought them when she closed the door after allowing Murphy inside, hopped onto my bed and threw her arms around me, hugging me tightly.

"I’m so happy for you guys!" she cried as I winced; her impact sent me rocking all over the place. It was like she was pulling on an already sore muscle, but I didn’t say anything. "You and Zac are finally together!" Suddenly she leaned back and held me by my shoulders to gaze at me seriously. "You guys are together now, right? I mean, I saw that kiss on the street, so you’d better not tell me that you all came back here and decided to just be friends."

I couldn’t help but smile. When I called her over earlier, all I said was to come over so we could hang out. She asked me about Zac but I dismissed all of her questions, insisting that she come over as soon as possible. I wanted to wait and see the look on her face before I told her anything.

"No, nothing like that," I said. "I haven’t talked to him since he left this morning, but… I think it’s safe to say I have a boyfriend now."

Veda squealed and clasped her hands together excitedly. "Oh, yay! Hey, wait – he left this morning? What happened? Did you guys stay up all night or did he sleep over?"

Still smiling, I just shrugged off her questions and pointed to her bag on the floor. "What’s with all of the magazines?"

Slowly she shook her head. "Nope. No, I don’t think so, missy. Tell me about last night. I want details."

"Don’t worry. Why do you think I called you over?" I was actually having fun stalling like that. The anxious look on her face was priceless. "But first what’s up with that?"

She looked at me grudgingly but reached over the edge of the bed to grab her bag on the floor. She reached so far that she almost fell and I had to pull her back, and when she was sitting up again she dumped the contents of the bag into the empty space between us on the bed. I picked up one that bumped into my foot, a copy of Marie Claire that had Sandra Bullock on the cover. Gazing at the spine, I noticed that it was dated back to May 2002.

As I read the features on the cover my brow furrowed suspiciously. "'Get the best haircut for your face.' Are you trying to tell me something?"

Laughing, Veda pulled the magazine down so she could see, and pointed to a different headline.

"'Eighty-seven sex secrets you need to know.'" I took a deep breath, trying not to smile too widely. "Veda…"

"Listen, I've got a story for you."

Grinning, I dropped the magazine and folded my legs gingerly. "Yay," I said. "Story time!"

"When I lost my virginity, it was… let’s just say it wasn’t my most shining moment," she began.

I frowned. "I was hoping for something like Peter Pan or Cinderella."

Veda went on, ignoring me. "It was really awkward and I kept bumping heads with my guy and we didn’t really fit together very well. At one point we even had to stop because I accidentally head-butted him and he thought his nose started bleeding," she added very quickly as her eyes widened.

I bit my lip and did my best to keep from laughing as Murphy jumped up on my bed and lay between us, putting his head in Veda's lap. "Fun story," I muttered.

"It was horrible," she said as she scratched his ears. "I only wish that I’d had these magazines beforehand because they’re like… sex guides. I’m telling you. Especially Cosmopolitan, that one’s like sex-sex-sex."

I finally allowed myself a giggle when she picked up an armful of the magazines and hugged them. "So you’re passing on your sex guides to me?" I asked as I started flipping through the one I was holding.

"Yes!" she cried with a huge smile. "I mean… I figure that eventually you and Zac will have that nice, good first romantic romp. A few months, I’m guessing. And these will prepare you for it, so you don’t end up like me and give him a busted lip or something."

I went ahead to the back of the magazine in search of the article she’d pointed out, and skimmed through the first two pages of it. "Number seven. Take responsibility for your orgasm," I read aloud in an obnoxious announcer voice. "Always have a… mini vibrator at hand?" I put the magazine down and gave Veda a withering look. "I’m supposed to have a vibrator?" When she just grinned at me, my eyes grew big. "Please don’t tell me you already have one for me in that bag."

"No," she said with a laugh. "But I know where you can get one!"

"Veda, listen," I began as I pulled all of the magazines into a neat pile. "This was really cool of you to do, and I’m sure they’ll be really… helpful in the future, but… I have something to tell you."

Now she looked incredibly confused. "Okay… what is it?"

"Well, you know how you just said that you guess Zac and I will probably have sex in a few months?"

"Yeah. I just said that like two seconds ago."

"I’m sure you’re right about it… but it won’t be our first time."

"What? You plan to do it sooner?"

"Yeah, I guess you could say that."

"How soon?"

"Probably as soon as… last night."

She grinned mischievously and laughed. "Ho, ho! So you mean really, really, really soon? Just can’t get enough of that boy, can you?"

I scoffed. "No, I mean… last night."

Veda’s head jerked back as if someone had just yelled at her, and the silly look went away. "Wait, I’m having a major blonde moment here… what?!"

I nodded slowly. "Yeah… last night."

"Last night? Are you kidding me? You’re just messing with me." She looked worried. I frowned.

"Veda, I’m serious… Zac and I had sex last night."

Her jaw dropped and she got up off the bed to stand and stare at me. "No freaking way. What… how… Keavy, are you sure that was a good idea?"

My high began to diminish. I just sat there tight-lipped, not saying anything. Mom had already spent enough time implying that I’d done something wrong, and the last thing that I wanted was for Veda to do the same. I was feeling almost deliriously happy about all of the changes that were beginning to sink into me, and all that I really wanted was for someone to kind of share that with me. Upon Veda’s reaction I began to think that the only person who would be happy about my brand new sex life, besides me, would be Zac. Then again, he was also worried that we’d moved too fast, and when I remembered that I started to feel increasingly low.

"I mean… it’s just so soon, and you’re so young, and you and Zac just got together—"

"Maybe it was soon, but it felt right and that’s all that matters to me. I’m fifteen years old, I’m not a child, I’m growing up now," I said in a calm and level voice as she folded her arms and studied me. "And I love him." Afterward I felt stupid for saying all of those things and chuckled bitterly, shaking my head.

"Keavy, I know you do, but..." she trailed off, looking worried. I grew even more annoyed.

"God, you sound just like my mom."

"What do you mean? She knows?"

"She walked in on us this morning."

A shocked and disgusted look appeared on her face. "Oh, gross!"

I glared at her. "We weren't doing anything, we'd just woke up!"

Veda sighed, just looking at me.

I shook my head again. "You know what? Fuck that. Forget everything I just said. I’m not giving anybody excuses for my actions. I thought it would be nice to share this with you because you’re my best friend, but I understand now that this business is just mine and Zac’s, so I won’t include you in it since you obviously don’t like it. So as far as you’re concerned, I’m still a virgin."

"Keavy, no, no," she said in a soft voice, sitting down again. "It’s not like that at all. I’m just so surprised. That was the last thing I expected you to say. I mean, I know I told you last night to fuck him like a bunny or something, but I was kind of drunk—"

I rolled my eyes. "This totally has nothing to do with that."

There was a pause during which she just smiled and looked at me. Finally after a while she leaned back and nodded as if coming to terms with it, but an expression of melancholy accompanied her smile. "Wow."

"Wow, what?"

"You really are growing up. I know that you’re not a little girl anymore, but… now you’re really not. And it’s kind of sad."

"What do you mean?"

"I’ve never really looked at you as someone who’s younger than me but you know that you’ve been like a little sister to me and… from that point of view, it’s just like… ‘Wow. Look at Keavers. She’s all growed up.’"

I returned the smile now as I gazed down at my lap. "That’s really nice to hear… because, you know, I could never picture myself having this conversation with Cal or Nyx. So I could never imagine hearing something like that."

"Yeah, I know. I can’t really picture you talking to them, either. But it kind of makes me wish I’d seen you as a little girl."

Her words sounded almost exactly like those part of a lyric of a song I could remember by Tonic, which I was sure we both still knew so I grinned and sang, "Without your armor to fend off the world."

Veda got it right away and continued with me, "I would have kept you underneath my wing. I would protect you from everything."

"Lemon Parade," she said. "I remember that one. That was always your song. Not anymore though, huh?" She made herself comfortable in front of me again and pushed the magazines aside. "So tell me about last night. I want details."

I laughed. "It was… well, it was amazing. It wasn’t planned at all. It just… happened. We came in here and we put music on and we drank and danced and then we started kissing and… he tickled me and made me spill Smirnoff all over myself…" Veda giggled as I paused. "And we got really into it and then… well, you know."

"God," Veda said with a dreamy sigh. "Dancing alone together with Smirnoff? And your lights?" she added as she looked up at them. "I seriously can’t think of a more romantic setting."

"It really was. And he was so great about everything. I told him I wanted to do it, and he asked me if I was sure. And he held me so close through the whole thing and he kept kissing me. It was just… I have no words to describe it. It wasn’t even the act of sex itself, it was the fact that it was him that made every pain worth feeling."

Veda grimaced. "Did it hurt a lot? I hurt pretty badly after my first time. The whole thing was pretty painful, but it got better at the end… I still felt sore for a few days, though."

I nodded. "Yeah, that basically describes my experience. It hurt too much for anything to feel really good but none of that can compare to the fact that it was… that it was…"

"That it was him?" she offered.

I smiled slowly. "Yeah. I’m probably going to be feeling it for a few days but I just can’t get over how glad and content I feel about how perfect it was and how perfect it is now. It's all because of him."

She made a face at me. "What about your mom walking in on you guys? God. A lot of things in this world suck but when your mom walks in and ruins your first morning after, that's definitely getting a top five ranking."

"Oh my God, Veda," I groaned, putting my hands over my eyes. "It was so embarrassing. I thought I was going to die right there."

"I'm kind of surprised you didn't," she replied chuckling sympathetically.

"And then she was like 'you and I need to talk so get dressed and send Zac home.' But the talk turned out pretty well. She's not pissed at me, she was just a little freaked out. So everything's good."

Veda smiled now. "You feel good?"

"I feel good. I feel perfect."

"Then that’s all that matters to me. I’m happy for you, Keavs. All that I want is for you to be happy and I can tell that you finally are. I’m sorry if I offended you before."

I waved it off. "It’s fine, I understand. Just tell me one thing."

"What’s that?"

"Does it get better? Sex, I mean."

That silly grin came over her face and she cracked her knuckles as she answered, "Oh, yes, indeed." She picked up a copy of Glamour magazine. Britney Spears was on the front but she pointed to one of the features on the cover that said, ‘A big "Ohhh!" every time: how to have one this time and every time.’ "And this baby just might help you out."

I didn’t know what time it was because I couldn’t see the clock from my position in my bathtub. I was soaking in a bath of warm water to soothe my pains and bubbles to keep myself occupied. My hair was tied up so it wasn’t getting wet, which was a very good thing if I wanted to go to sleep early. I hated lying on my pillow with a wet head and my hair was getting too long for me to be patient enough with a blow dryer. I had the bathroom door open so that I could hear the music playing on my stereo.

"Make way for the lemon parade," I sang along with Tonic, very quietly. "Make way for my girl."

I’d had the song in my head all day since Veda left for work, after staying for a few hours to discuss magazine articles and how much of a hangover she managed to avoid waking up with in the morning. Once I was alone again I went through every burned mix CD I had to find this song because I knew I had it somewhere.

It took a long time but I finally found it and put the song on repeat. It had played maybe five or six times since I’d been in the tub, and I still had yet to get sick of it. I hadn’t heard the whole song in such a long time, maybe a few years, but I still remembered every single word of it.

When Veda said it’d been my song, I knew what she was referring to. It was a song that I put on a compilation of which I gave the title ‘My Soundtrack.’ It was full of songs that meant something deep to me, the songs that I related to at the time that I made it. I still felt all of them in my heart.

Songs like the opening track, ‘Name’ by Goo Goo Dolls, ‘Silent All These Years’ by Tori Amos, ‘To The Moon And Back’ by Savage Garden… God, I loved that band so much when they were around. I had both of their albums, but they were both lost. I was very depressed about it. Hearing all of the songs on the mix again before I set ‘Lemon Parade’ on repeat made me decide that I needed to put together a new one for current times.

"Did the boys all tease you when they had the chance? Always left standing when it came time to dance?"

I had long since lost count of times the song had started over, and when my eyelids began to grow heavy and my fingers were like prunes I sat up and pulled the plug. I got up as the water drained and reached for the towel I’d left on the floor and wrapped it around myself as I got out, ignoring the trail of water that dripped off my legs as I stepped in front of my sink to brush my teeth. For once, I gave my reflection a smile before I started.

I thought of Mom and our strange encounter as I brushed. My embarrassment would never die but I was growing happy about our talk. I was glad to just be reminded that she cared about me. But something did still bother me about it. I was afraid that she was more disapproving than she’d said. And I was afraid that she’d be really strict about when I could have Zac over.

I was sure that if she hadn’t walked in on us and discovered how we’d spent the night she would have acted more comfortable about the idea of having him around a lot more. I didn’t want her to worry about me like that. I wasn’t going to do anything stupid. I certainly didn’t plan on it. The last thing I wanted to do was anything that would mess up what we had. But I didn’t want her to not want us together.

The only reason I could come up with that would make her disapprove of our relationship was the fact that I was fifteen and he was eighteen. But that was never important to me. My age used to seem so small, and it made me feel that way. My family always treated me like I was still a little girl, but I really had no way out of that. I was the baby. I’d always be younger than all of them. But it wasn’t until I met Zac that it stopped bothering me.

He was the only person I knew who treated me equal since we’d known each other. It made me look up to him and really begin to feel that I was equal. He brushed off my age when I told it to him and invited me to a party a few days later. He defended me when his friends made a big deal about it. It didn’t matter to him. So it didn’t matter to me anymore, either.

I hummed along with the song while I was in my closet putting on my pajamas, a white t-shirt and a pair of pink shorts with cute little puppies all over them. It started over as I stumbled to pull my socks on and as I stepped out and headed for the bathroom again I took my hair down and pulled it over my shoulder.

I stood in front of the mirror again and brushed it, pondering a new look. It was so long and wavy now, reaching my elbows in one length. I played around with it, considering bangs, pulling it down so that it looked straight. I tried to picture it brown and dark, which was hard. But I smiled anyway. It looked nice the way it was.

I set my brush down and picked up my bracelet. I wore it all the time even when I slept, but I always took it off before bathing because I was still afraid of damaging it. Once I’d clasped it around my wrist I leaned in to peer closely at my reflection. "Maybe a new eye color instead," I mumbled aloud and scoffed, joking to myself: "I’ll get green contacts. Sure."

"Don't change a thing. You're perfect the way you are, blue eyes."

I jumped back, startled and red-faced upon hearing a voice outside my head. I found Zac sitting in my computer chair looking comfy as he spun from side to side. He had his long legs stretched out before him and his hands were clasped together over his stomach.

He was wearing the same jeans he had on last night with a dark blue hoodie and his shoes were still on his feet. His hair was sticking up all over the place just like it was when I woke up and saw him in the morning and I smiled a little to myself, wondering if he’d even bothered to brush it at all during the day.

Zac smiled at me and I felt nervous when the peaceful look on his face brought me back to last night. I wanted to know so badly what was going on behind those brown eyes of his but it took me a while to say anything let alone ask. My heart was pounding below my breast but at the same time a feeling of ease was washing through me again leaving me incredibly happy. I couldn’t stop smiling.

"I didn’t know that you were there," I said as I picked at my shirt just trying to keep my hands busy. My shorts had no pockets.

"I came in when you were in the closet," he replied leaning forward. "I decided to give the coming out jokes a rest for tonight."

My smile grew and I chuckled briefly. "How very thoughtful of you. I can’t believe I didn’t see you."

"I guess I blend in well," he said as he glanced around.

"I guess you do," I agreed with a nod, finally stepping out of the bathroom.

Zac got up out of the chair. "So… how was your day?" he asked with a short laugh, raising his eyebrows anxiously. I knew right away that he was worried about what was going on when he left.

"It was fine," I said with a nod. "Everything’s okay. My mom just gave me this little sex talk and set up some ground rules."

"Ground rules?" he asked curiously.

"Yeah, you know… keep it quiet, no babies, no slumber parties during the week."

He screwed up his mouth to the side and punched his hand gently. "Dang. She’s gone and foiled all my plans. I’m surprised she even let me in."

I rolled my eyes at his dumb joke. "I know. But for real, everything’s fine. She’s okay with us."

He took me into his arms then and kissed my forehead as my hands met behind his back. "I missed you," he said.

"I missed you too," I replied running my fingers through his hair to get it out of his eyes. "I thought about you all day. And last night…"

"Last night was so amazing. I’ll never, ever forget it," he whispered as he leaned in to kiss me.

His kiss was indescribable. I felt like I was home when our lips touched but at the same time it was like every time was the first time. I was so lucky. I was so lucky.

When it ended he stepped back and held my hands. "Actually, I… I wanted to talk about it."

He looked anxious again. It made me feel the same way. "Okay."

Zac pulled me over to sit on my bed with him, never letting go of my hand. When he turned to face me he looked down at my bracelet for a moment. "Keavy… last night was such a surprise. You know I didn’t expect it at all, don’t you?"

I nodded. "I didn’t either, it just happened…"

"I know it was your first time. And you know it wasn’t mine." He looked at me and I nodded again. "But that doesn’t make it any less special for me because… I love you. I love you so much. Damn… those words never seem to be enough when I think of you."

I put my hand over his rough cheek. "I definitely think they’re good enough." I moved closer to him so that we were touching with my bent leg leaning on his. He set his hand comfortably on my thigh.

An adorable half-smile formed on his face as he stared back at me. "Good. ‘Cause I’m pretty dumb so I can’t come up with anything better."

Sticking my tongue out at him I pinched his cheek. "You’re not dumb."

"Oh yeah? Which one of us here is Ivy League bound?" he asked with a huge grin.

"Well… some people are dumber than you." I shrugged. He chuckled and I kissed him quickly. "I’m just kidding."

"Yeah, yeah, so… moving on… I just want this… is your stereo screwing up?"

I blinked a few times and gave him a confused look. "Huh? What?"

"This song keeps repeating," he said as his grin became complete again.

"Oh," I muttered, looking around for the remote for my stereo. "It’s, uh well, a thing, Veda was over today and we were talking about this song… here, I’ll turn it off."

"No, don’t," he said quickly, tightening his grip on my hand and thigh when I started to move away. I stopped. "It’s okay. I know this song. I really like it. I just thought your stereo was fucking up or something."

I smiled. "Well, it better not, it was pretty expensive… um, so, what were you saying?"

But he laughed, but quickly silenced himself. A warm look remained on his face. "Keavy, I don’t regret what we did last night."

"Neither do I," I said right away. "Not for a second."

"Are you sure? ‘Cause I know it was really sudden. I mean… I haven’t even taken you out on a proper date yet. And plus… you remember the first time you kissed me?"

"I know I went a little crazy that time…"

"A little?" he repeated with a smirk. "What about Halloween?"

"Well as far as I know you're not dating either of my sisters right now so I have nothing to worry about," I said, but finished with a playfully suspicious look.

"Yeah, as far as you know," he said as he shrugged his shoulders. I shoved his shoulder and he laughed.

I smiled at him. "And as for the you taking me out on a proper date thing… that would be nice."

Zac reached up to brush a lock of my hair behind my ear with his fingertips. "Just… whatever you want, I’ll be right there with you. I’ll back you up. Last night was a big deal and if you think we should take things slower then that’s what I want, too."

"What did I tell you earlier?" I asked, shoving his shoulder gently. I let my hand linger on his arm. "Everything’s fine."

"I know, but that was this morning. And after what happened with your Mom, I’ve just been thinking about everything all day…"

"So have I. And I’m happy."

"Are you?"

"Of course I am. I love you. And I have for so long. And for so long I wanted you to be… to be mine. And so for me… last night was the most amazing night of my life." I paused to smile at him again. He was lovingly stroking the back of my hand with his thumb. "Waking up beside you this morning just made it all even better. For the first time in my life I think I know what it means to be happy. I don’t want that to change." I stopped again and thought about what he was saying. "But if you're uncomfortable…"

"No, I'm not," he told me, shaking his head. "I just want to make sure everything's okay with you. Because, you know… on my birthday, kissing in my room… Halloween, making out on the dance floor… what's going on now is so much bigger than those things."

Zac was fingering my bracelet now. Smiling softly I set my hand over his. "Good. I like it that way. I don't want anything to change."

Finally he accepted my words and let out a breath of relief. "I won’t let it. And I am yours." Zac shifted then, moving toward the wall on my bed. He pulled me so that I was sitting between his legs with mine draped over his thigh and he wrapped his arms around me. "And I will take you out on that date. And I’ll kiss you every day. And every night before you go to sleep I’ll remind you that I love you. Because I used to think that saying that would be terrifying but now I know it’s not."

"From the sound of everything else, I don’t think you’ll need to remind me." I kissed him again, and this time let it last longer as he ran his fingers through my hair.

"I will anyway," he said when our lips slowly parted.

I grinned at him. "Well, if you insist."

I leaned back and turned around so I could pull his shoes off his feet. He sat back against my pillows and got comfortable and then I knelt on the bed beside him to pull the blankets back. Soon we were lying beside each other like we had been in the morning, but the only difference was that we were both dressed. He ran his hand up and down my back again and sang along, "Always I’ll want you, always ‘til the end."