chapter twenty-six: the only gift that i need

Christmas isn’t a big thing in my family. Not since my grandmother died, but back then, it was always so special. I can’t recall my whole family getting together over Christmas dinner – but that doesn’t mean it never happened. I knew that we did because we did for Thanksgiving and that was something I could remember. I can only remember one Christmas that included my dad.

When I was little I loved this little tiny toy thing called Polly Pocket, and Mom got me this huge thing that was like that, but it had this under the sea theme with little tiny toy mermaids and it was supposed to lit up, but it never did, no matter how many batteries we tried with it. I don’t remember if she exchanged it for something that worked, though.

But that year – I was probably eight, because I haven’t lived with my dad since before I was ten – what I wanted more than anything was that My Size Barbie that my sister’s friends destroyed. I was very sad when I opened all of my presents and didn’t find her, but I tried not to let it show because I did like what I got. But then Mom was puzzled; she expected me to ask if there was anything more for me, and then told me to look in the closet.

In there I found a box that was as tall as me. I knew what it was before I opened it, and I started screaming. I think I even cried because I was so happy, which made my dad yell at me. He hated it more than anything when one of us cried. It makes me wonder now, why he even attempted to try and be a father to three young girls.

The year that my grandmother died, Christmas came six months after. I was ten that year. We were all still very depressed, having been very attached to her as we grew up, so it really made my world a whole lot better when Mom surprised me with a bike. But not only was it a bike, it was a big kid’s bike, something that would make you jealous because you’d most likely see it being given to your thirteen year old sister rather than you, the ten year old baby of the family.

It had those breaks that you squeeze at the handlebars and a kickstand and it was just completely awesome. I loved it so much that I even rode it around the house when it was raining and Mom wouldn’t let me go out. That is, until she caught me and made me stop.

The new bike that I got earlier in November reminded me of Christmas for that reason, so when Mom brought up the next holiday I went out to ride it around the neighborhood and think about what she’d told me. When I was little, Christmas was the best time of year at my grandmother’s. We baked cookies all through the winter season, had an absolute ball decorating the tree and setting up the miniature snowy town on the windowsill.

My grandmother was a faithful Christian and always brought out her manger set to put under the tree. It was a little barn with plastic dolls of everyone who was supposedly present at the birth of Jesus, you know, the whole gang – Mary, Joseph, those three kings, and the sheep. And of course Jesus himself, but he was boring to me because he just sat there in his little crib thing.

But the others you could actually move around, and I played with them like Barbies with these small golden reindeer we had, too. I’d sit under the tree at night with the tree lights blinking at me and they would be my toys at Christmas.

I can’t remember my family getting together at Christmas, but I can remember playing with little ‘toys’ that were supposed to represent our creators of life, or whatever I’m supposed to call them. Damn, I was a weird kid.

I was so excited, for this Christmas, and also nervous at the same time. We were really close with my Uncle Ray and his family, who all arrived around two on Christmas Eve, but we hadn’t seen Will and Katie and their kids in years, not since I was twelve, and that meeting was a blur to me because a lot was going on. They were due to arrive sometime between three and four o’clock that afternoon.

Every single one of my cousins was older than me. Mark was the youngest of the rest of at seventeen. He looked his age with short brown hair and long legs, but mentally he wasn’t a day over ten. He had obsessive-compulsive disorder among a few other mental problems, and he was obsessed with video games and action figures. He was also very loud, and that got on everyone’s nerves sometimes, but we were used to it.

His sister Ellen had turned twenty this year, and she was attending an art school. She was very short, not even five feet tall, with curly blonde hair and a chubby figure. She resembled a slightly taller hobbit. And she was extremely funny and obsessed with Japanese culture. She had an amazing talent for drawing and was going to be a comic book artist.

All I knew about my other cousins anymore was how old they were. I couldn’t remember much about them from our childhood. Randall was Ellen’s age and had been in the Navy since he was eighteen, and from what I’d seen in pictures he’d grown up well because he was really handsome, especially in uniform. Jean and Shane were fraternal twins, only a few months older than Mark. Sean had always been a goofball, and he and Nyx were inseparable when we were younger.

Those two probably started Mark’s video game craze, because my clearest memory of Shane was a time when we were at our grandmother’s and he was playing Resident Evil, trying to scare me – scaring me was a hobby that all of my cousins had loved when we were younger. But sometimes they didn’t succeed, because I had been fascinated by the game, and I still was. I was a kid who loved the Scream series when it first got started, so it definitely took more than computer-animated zombies to freak me out. As for Jean… Jean spoke with a lisp. I hoped she’d gotten that fixed by now.

When the first group of our family arrived, Ellen and Mark got comfortable in the living room with Nyx and I. We’d been in there for a while now, watching TV and playing with the cats while Murphy napped. Cal was helping Mom with the food. It was like an overenthusiastic chef had taken over our kitchen; a huge ham was in the oven, almost finished, while all different kinds of food were heating up. Casseroles and things, plenty of bread and vegetables for those who weren’t too fond of meat like Cal. Sherry and Ray followed the scent into the kitchen as the other four of us started playing a Lord Of The Rings video game on our PS2.

I couldn’t wait for the others to arrive, so that we could show them all what we’d done with the basement. Every Christmas when we went to Uncle Ray’s, the night started with the adults talking over drinks in the kitchen while everyone under the age of twenty, and Ellen, watched whatever video game that Mark was playing, then we had a lot of laughs over a great dinner and watched a movie, like a Harry Potter flick, or X-Men, something fun and exciting.

I planned to get everyone comfortable in the basement to watch The Fellowship of The Ring. The Two Towers would follow on Christmas Day, I hoped. It would definitely be an awesome experience. I mean, The Lord of The Rings in surround sound, just like the theater but in the comfort of your own home? Amazing.

The more I thought about it, the bigger my smile got. I couldn’t wait for the rest of them to arrive after Mark and Ellen settled in with us, and we began to talk about our Christmas memories with our Grandmother as Mark played and us three girls started making three double batches of cookies right there on the living room floor, so they would be fresh for desert. Everything felt almost perfect as we started tasting the dough way too early, like we always did when we were kids. The perfection would have been made complete if my grandmother could have been there to see it all.

I wasn’t sure if Cal would be there. I thought that she would consider going to see our Dad for this holiday, but fortunately she decided not to go. This was a very good decision, in my opinion, because when she went over to see him on Thanksgiving he was already asleep and told her to come back the next day. She was pretty pissed, so she didn’t. I held my tongue about it because I knew she felt horrible, even though I wanted to give her a big, fat, ‘I told you so.’

Like I said – Christmas was never really a big thing in my family. I never thought I’d really care, but I was so happy to see that that was about to change. The ham was finished cooking just in time for the first two batches of cookies to go in the oven.

Once the oven was shut, Ray, who had been looking out the window, announced that Uncle Will’s van had just pulled up. He went outside to greet them as the rest of us gathered in the foyer excitedly. The smile on my face made my cheeks hurt but the pain was nothing compared to the happiness I felt when I saw my cousins walk through the threshold, shaking snow off their shoulders.

All of my uncles were extremely tall, but Will, the youngest of Mom’s family, was the tallest. He was probably six-foot-five or something. He had a mustache and graying brown hair, and glasses similar to the ones Mom wore. He hugged her right away as Aunt Katie, a plump woman with blonde hair and a face as friendly as I could remember, removed her jacket with the help of Uncle Ray.

Calvine was hugging Jean, who was her height with long brown hair. Aside from being older, she didn’t look any different from the memory I had of her – big blue eyes, a small button nose, and a big smile. Nyx and Ellen rushed to greet Shane, who still looked so much like his twin sister though he was much taller than her and not female. As Mark got lost in the middle of all of the hugging and loud greetings, Randall looked at me, and his mouth dropped.

"Keavy Leigh?!" he cried loudly over all of the noise, causing everyone to look forward. I stared at him with wide, nervous eyes. He had definitely grown, but Shane was taller than him. And he looked just like the Navy picture I’d seen of him, with his dirty blonde hair buzzed, and his blue eyes big and warm.

"Hi," I said with a wave of my hand. I had no idea what else to say.

"Oh my God, is that really you?!" He smacked his brother’s arm. "Look at her! Last time we saw her she was like this big!" He held his index finger and thumb about an inch apart.

Shane came to me and hugged me so tightly I was almost lifted off the ground. When he backed away, Jean and Katie came over to fuss over me, touching my face and my hair. Everybody was talking at once. It was almost overwhelming, but I couldn’t stop smiling. I was over the moon.

Nyx told them everything that I was too shy to tell – she helped me tell them about my friends, Veda in particular, and my school, things like that. But Zac wasn’t mentioned until Shane asked us about our love lives. It was a playful question that was followed by a somewhat complicated answer.

"I don’t have a boyfriend right now. I just broke up with this guy, Zac." Nyx nodded toward me grinning. "He’s her boyfriend now."

They all looked at me. "Y'all are sharing boyfriends?" Randall asked.

"He’s not my boyfriend," I said.

"Not yet," Nyx retorted.

"Who is he?" Jean asked curiously, lisp-free.

"Zac is my friend," I answered before Nyx could. "One of my best friends. He started dating Nyx in September, but they broke up on Halloween."

"Why?" she asked.

"Because he loves Keavy," my sister answered.

My face burned as I looked at her. "What?! No he doesn’t," I said, not sure if it was the truth or not.

"Yes he does," she replied as she chewed on some chocolate chips. "He told me so."

"When?"

"The other day. He called me from LA."

"New York."

"What?"

"They’re not in LA until next week. They’ve been in New York this month."

She shook her head. "Whatever. When are they coming home, anyway?"

"Actually they should be home now… they go to LA on the twenty-sixth, though."

"So you guys have been dating the same guy who lives all over the place?" Ellen asked furrowing her brow. Mark was sitting beside her, but he wasn’t paying attention. "Okay then."

"Nah, it’s not like that," Nyx said casually, though I was growing anxious. "He lives in Tulsa, he just travels for work. He’s in a band with his brothers and they just started their own record label."

"Wow!" Jean cried. "Really? That’s so cool."

"Have we heard of them?" Randall asked.

"Definitely. Hanson. Zac Hanson is the one we’re talking about."

None of them said anything. Nyx looked at me, trying not to grin. I glared at her. She laughed.

"You guys are crazy," Randall said.

"How do you come up with this stuff?" Shane asked laughing. "Hanson? Geez."

"Maybe they’re telling the truth!" Jean said, still looking shocked. "I mean, crazier things have happened around here…"

When she eyed me I knew what she was referring to. Apparently everyone else got the hint as well, because they all looked my way. Except Mark, of course, who was still distracted by his video game. I began to feel slightly awkward so I excused myself to go check on the cookies, and ended up staying a while to put two more batches in.

All of the food was done then and it was dinnertime. We all gathered around the table, which Mom lengthened earlier with an extra board and all of our desk chairs, and then began to talk and eat ourselves silly – almost literally. Ever since we were little, we always found things about each other to laugh at during appropriate and inappropriate moments. Clearly, nothing had changed. It was wonderful.

But the biggest highlight of my night turned out to be something I didn’t expect. I thought that I would be completely fulfilled by the time dinner was over and we all went back down to the basement to start on our movie, but there was a surprise ahead of me. It was just us kids who settled down to watch the movie. Mom, her brothers, Katie and Cal stayed upstairs to clean and catch up.

Cushioned by comfy pillows with my knees up, I was curled up on a couch by myself with a blanket wrapped around me. Murphy was at the foot of my couch. As I’d predicted, he’d been staying at my side all night. Nyx had the remote for the DVD player, but she hesitated to play the movie so we could all witness and laugh at Mark and Ellen’s imitation of Smeagol and Gollum. Ellen pitched Gollums wretched voice perfectly, but Mark was never as good as her at doing voices. I flipped through the DVD booklet and read its contents as I giggled and listened.

"No! Not master," Mark whined.

"Yes precious," Ellen spat. "First they cheat you, hurt you, LIE!"

"But Master, he’s my friend!"

"You don't have any friends. Nobody likes you."

"I'm not listening."

"You're a liar and a thief."

"No!"

"MUUURRRDEERREERRRR!" Everyone was laughing now. I heard the basement door open and footsteps descending into the room, but I didn’t look up, figuring that it was Cal.

"Go away!"

"Go away?" Ellen laughed, sounding just like Gollum.

"Hey, who’s that?" Shane asked.

"Hey!" Nyx cried.

"Hey, I hope I’m not interrupting…" That wasn’t Cal.

I looked up over the booklet and my face broke out into its happiest smile yet. I sat up and cried happily, "Zac!"

Zac was standing at the foot of the stairs, looking around with a taut smile. It grew into a genuine grin when he looked at me, and the sounds around the room stopped. He made his way through the couches to mine as I stared at his beautiful face. I was completely overjoyed and speechless as I watched his hair fall over his eyes. He’d gotten a trim while he was gone, I could tell, but it still had some of its gorgeous length.

It seemed to take forever for him to reach me, but when he was close enough I jumped up and pounced on him, hugging him tightly. As he squeezed me back he lost his balance and fell to sit down on the couch with me, laughing. Murphy had been sleeping but we disturbed him, so he kicked us.

"Merry Christmas," Zac said into my ear, still chuckling.

"You’re home!" I cried. "You’re home, you’re home. You’re home!" I chanted.

"I’m home."

"Don’t go away again, okay? LA can go screw itself."

"Such eloquent words."

"Eloquence can screw itself also."

He laughed again as we separated, but I clutched his hand as I stared at his face, unable to stop smiling, though I had no reason to want to stop. "I didn’t know you were going to come."

"I told you I’d stop by," he said quietly as his eyes flickered to the side. He became aware that the others were watching and lowered his voice again. "I had a few hours to spare. I hope it’s okay."

"Of course it is." I shoved him at his shoulder. "Silly. I’m so happy to see you."

"Zac, meet our cousins," Nyx said loudly, grabbing our attention. She smiled at him and I knew that it was true what she’d said before, that he called her. They must have had a good conversation, because the room lacked any sort of tension. I was ecstatic. He said he’d do it for me, and he did. I definitely felt at that point that everything was settled and in place, the way that things were supposed to be. My night was perfected.

She introduced him to our cousins. The ones within reach shook his hand, and asked him questions about his identity (after which, Jean triumphantly stated to her brothers that she was right). They had a lot of questions about his career, so it was a while before we got to the movie. Nyx halted their questions when she announced that she wanted to put the movie on, and I was grateful, because I was sure that she did it for Zac. He looked tired, but happy.

He and I settled back together with his arm around me after I took his jacket from him and made him take his shoes off. I wanted to talk to him, ask him about his trip home and other things, but after the movie was started, I couldn’t think of anything, anyway. But it didn’t matter. I was just happy that he was there.

It felt unreal; his entrance had happened so fast and it was very sudden. His presence was dreamlike to me, so I kept looking at him during the movie, and clutching his shirt and arms to make sure that he was real, that I hadn’t fallen asleep and into a very pleasant state of slumber.

"You warm now?" he asked softly looking at my sweater. I grinned again at him. I couldn’t control my happiness on this night.

"Very," I said, glancing at the door to make sure that it was closed. It was only minutes ago that we’d left the basement with everyone else. When Nyx said that she was going to get cookies, it started a chain reaction, and everyone ended up climbing the stairs for the same thing. Zac pulled me away from the group, though, and asked for a private place to talk. I took him to my room with a little hope that we’d be doing something else for a bit, which didn’t include talking.

"Good," he said, reaching into a pocket inside his jacket to pull out a small rectangular box. It was a jewelry box. My heart actually skipped. "I got you something in New York."

"You didn’t have to," I said before biting my lip. I was glad that he did, though.

He smiled at me again. "I wanted to. We were Christmas shopping and we ended up in this store… I saw this I thought of you," he said gently as he prepared to open it. "Though, I always thought of you… but I knew you’d love this."

Zac opened the box and showed me its contents. My mouth fell open in astonishment as I looked down at the bracelet inside. There were no words to describe how breathtakingly beautiful it was.

"It’s a three-part harmony bracelet," he told me, picking it up. It did have three parts; one was what looked kind of like a leather string adorned by a few different types of subtle jewels and beads. Another had many red beads drawn tightly together, and the last was a silver chain with more beads and three charms on it. They were all bounded together by a clasp and a hook. "See these red jewels? They’re coral… those big blue ones on the chain, and this woven string here, those are aquamarine. That’s your birthstone, isn’t it?"

I replied, but it wasn’t exactly English, or coherent.

He chuckled. "And these are pearls, different kinds… those are garnets. The other ones have names I don’t remember, but I couldn’t pronounce them anyway. This chain, and these charms, they’re real silver. This one’s a heart… this one is a flower. I’m not sure what the last one is. It looks kind of like a horse and some birds. But it could be a dolphin in the water. Hell if I know."

"Zac, it’s so beautiful… oh, my God." I reached out my fingers to touch it, but I was very hesitant. I was afraid I’d break it. "I-it must have cost you a fortune."

"You think that matters to me? I’d offer a price for the Queen of England’s crown if you wanted it."

I giggled. "No, it’s too tacky. I’m not big on diamonds. But this… Zac, this is so…"

"You."

I looked up at his eyes. They were staring into mine so warmly. I felt drawn to him. He pulled my hand out in front of him and put the box down. He took the bracelet and clasped it around my wrist. It was very light and the perfect size; it didn’t feel tight on me but it wasn’t too loose, either. I couldn’t stop looking at it when it was on. "I love it," I said, and then stared into his face with smiling eyes. "I love it so much."

"I’m glad," he said, grinning widely.

"Oh… I suck. I really suck. I got you a stupid gift. I’m not good at gift shopping. It’s so silly, it’s nothing compared—"

His lips interrupted me. They kissed mine and I sunk against him into his arms. I felt his tongue and then I tasted it, and there was a definite sweetness to him, one that I could remember from the last time we shared something like this. I kissed him back as if he were my lover that I’d been separated from for a month, and in that moment as he lowered me onto my pillows, he was.

We kissed and touched, and while this feeling had been embedded in my memory for two months, there was something so different about it this time, and it was the lack of strain that left only room for comfort. I felt like I had been kissing him all of my life, like his lips were made for me only.

His hand tugged at my sweater until the sleeve dipped down off of my shoulder. He kissed it when it was bare, and continued to slowly kiss every spot from there as he returned to my lips.

All of the drama was gone; I knew it in that first second when he touched me. It had seeped out of us and things were right for once. This was right, the time was right, we were right. Zac’s hand touched my stomach when my tank top rode up. His fingertips were chilly. It tickled.

I gently clutched his head, digging my fingers into his hair to pull him deeper into the kiss. He touched me like he’d loved me forever. I hoped that he did; I wanted to hear him say it again so that I could know it was still true.

Our legs were entangled. He moved up so that his body was on top of mine and he perched his weight carefully so that I wasn’t crushed. It made him too far away from me, but as I wrapped my arms around him again and pulled him closer, an extremely annoying ringing sound entered my ears.

Zac heard it too and broke the kiss. He looked down at me, almost nervous for a second, but then he chuckled and smiled apologetically. He moved off of me and got off the bed to pick up his jacket. I sat up pulling my sweater closed as he answered his phone.

"Hello? …Yeah, I’m still here… it’s Isaac," he whispered to me. "Sorry."

I leaned forward with my chin in my hands, watching him as he spoke to his brother and anxiously fiddled with his jean’s belt loops. I felt then that the smile on my face would be there forever.

When he ended the call he looked at me for a few seconds before sighing and giving me another rueful smile. "I’m sorry. I have to go."

I sighed too as I stood, hating the sound of those words. "So soon?"

"We have an early day tomorrow. A lot of family to see." He paused. "I wish I could stay."

"Me, too." I bit my lip, suddenly becoming emotional. I began to fear that I would start crying. "I don’t want you to go away again."

Gently, he grasped the sides of my head and rested his forehead against mine. He stroked my hair. "I’ll be back before you know it. Don’t worry."

I kissed him softly, touching his chest. He returned it but it was brief. He picked up his jacket and put it on, and then I took his hand and held it as I walked him out of my room and downstairs to the door. I opened it for him, and a gust of cold air breezed into the house. He shivered.

"It hasn’t stopped snowing yet. That's so weird."

"Zac?" I said. He looked at me. "When you get back… we’ll talk? About… things?"

He smiled at me. "About us."

I nodded. "Yeah. Us."

"We will." He kissed me again. This time it was so soft and sweet, my knees actually felt weak. When it was over he looked at me once more and stepped out, but then he suddenly turned back and kissed me again. I was smiling again when it ended, and he sighed, this time more content. "Bye, Keavy. Merry Christmas."

"Merry Christmas. Bye," I said to him, and then watched him leave the porch and walk through the snow to his car, which was parked across the street. He looked back at me before he got in, and waved. I closed the door and leaned against it, biting my lip to keep my face from hurting again. I looked down at my bracelet lovingly for the longest time, fingering it and staring at the charms. God… it was so beautiful. Everything was so beautiful.

I felt someone looking at me and lifted my head. Nyx was leaning out of the kitchen, gazing at me with a warm smile. And then I realized something.

Oh, crap. I forgot to give him his Christmas present.