chapter twenty-five: the remedy

I pulled my arm back and then threw it forward, releasing the dirty tennis ball that was clutched in my hand. Murphy had been anticipating my movement, and he took off into the wide back yard, chasing it as it rolled far across the grass. I smiled as I watched him and exhaled, ignoring the steam that rose from my lips. The dark clouds in the sky mocked the sunset, but I could see bright orange light lining them. The evening was tailing Murphy as he ran back to me with the ball in his mouth, and the cold air smelled like snow. It definitely felt like Christmas.

I was excited for it. After just one more day, school would end and leave me be until the New Year. For some people time glides slowly like a hawk, but for me, it’s always flown by as fast as an airplane. It seemed like yesterday that I was sweating under the sun in a t-shirt and jeans, but now I stood there bundled up in a scarf and a heavy green army jacket, impatiently waiting for more snow.

I felt like I was at peace. Like I stepped out of myself and went somewhere so relaxing, like some kind of tropical vacation spot, and when I came back to myself there wasn’t a single thing in my life that didn’t make sense. My family was okay, my friends were okay, and nobody was bothering me. I didn’t even mind Zac’s absence, because I knew that he would be home before I knew it. I think I had my sister to thank for my good feelings. Everything was settled between us, after a conversation that took us deep into the night until the early morning. I slept beside her in her bed like I did when I was little, and I felt very safe and comfortable.

Mom was wise left us to ourselves. I made Nyx some tea to sober her up, and then we took refuge in her room. We talked about everything. Nyx poured her heart out to me, telling me about the part of her life that I wasn’t there for when I was twelve years old and she was going on fifteen. She’d been stuck in the middle between our broken Mother, and our seemingly faceless older sister, and the fact that I wasn’t there to give balance overwhelmed her, she told me.

She blamed herself for what happened to me. I was almost sixteen now. She still blamed herself. I demanded that she stop. She had been too young to have any kind of control in what happened. It wasn’t anybody’s fault. I was fine now, and so was everybody else. There was no reason for her to differ from that.

Nyx had feelings for Zac. She didn’t love him, though. She admitted that they were too different for her to go in too deep with him. But she told me that she only pursued him because she knew that I would, and she feared that I would get my heartbroken. She couldn’t protect me before, so this to her was her chance for some kind of redemption for failing me. It was why she didn’t want me to grow up and grow into someone else. She just wanted me to be safe.

I had never known someone to hold that much love for me, but when she explained all of this to me, I realized that she didn’t need to protect me, because as long as I had her and my family in my life, I couldn’t be destroyed. That was what gave me this new peace of mind that I began to cherish. I realized for the first time in years that I was completely safe. I could never begin to explain how amazing that is.

I wrestled with Murphy to get the ball from him, and then threw it hard through the air. I watched him run again, kicking the ground up behind him. He ran toward the trees and stumbled, and I laughed. I imagined what his actions would be when he would meet the rest of my family.

I hoped that he wouldn’t be aggressive, but I remembered a meeting of somewhat irritating feminists in the past, which Cal held at our house. Almost twenty people gathered and he didn’t bark or growl, but he stayed at my side the whole time. I hoped that he wouldn’t feel the need to when my family came, but Murphy had been trained well. They would be here in only a few days.

I couldn’t wait to see my cousins. We’d been doing a lot of work to prepare for our big Christmas event. We’d cleaned the entire house, and hired workers to renovate the basement. The boxes that used to take up some of the room in the large space were put into storage, and a lush pale green carpet had been put in after the walls were painted a similar color, very easy on the eyes. Mom and I went to a furniture depot over the weekend, and we bought several matching couches that were wide and comfortable like beds with many soft pillows.

We got another big screen TV, video game systems, and sound proofed the entire basement, turning into a private movie theater. There was even a mini fridge and a microwave for popcorn. It was much like what the stars had in their homes on Cribs. That was even my intension. Mom said that we needed to make a space for all of us kids to hang out in. She wanted to make a sort of Play Room with arcade games and pool tables, but I wanted my own movie theater, and she granted that wish as my Christmas present.

It was being finished while I was outside with the dog, keeping him busy. Movers were putting the furniture in at that moment. I couldn’t wait to spend time down there. It was going to look amazing, and smell so fresh. I planned to have Zac and all of our friends over as soon as possible.

Christmas shopping had also been done at a very busy mall with Veda. She and I shopped for hours, trying to find gifts for all of our friends. It was extremely last minute for her, because it was her last chance to get presents for her family before she was to leave on the day before Christmas to spend the Holidays with her family a few states away. Gift buying was a task that was met easily by her, while I struggled to pick out nice things for my family. I ended up with action figures, CDs and silly gifts from Spencer’s for my cousins collections.

All of the gifts for my friends also came from there, but my biggest shopping struggle was over Zac’s gift. I wanted to get him something sweet and meaningful, but I was so picky. I ended up getting him the dumbest thing on the planet, but I knew him well enough to know that he would love it.

I sat down on the edge of the patio as Murphy came toward me again. His tail wagged wildly in the air, and his tongue hung out the side of his mouth, which clutched the tennis ball tightly. He lay on the grass in front of me and rolled around, chewing the ball and pouncing on it when it got away from him. I took my camera out of my pocket and snapped a picture. And then I took one of myself and looked at it.

My smile was big and sincere, only slightly hidden by my big orange scarf. My hair fell around my face in waves, and there was a light in my eyes. I could spot my imperfections but they weren’t so big to me anymore. It was just a portrait of a girl.

There were a few things that did bother me, though. Wally and I were still at odds, not speaking much. He didn’t pay much attention to me, so I gave him the same amount of my time. It was really difficult because we had so many classes together, three of which we sat close to each other. He sat right next to me in homeroom. It was stupid and silly.

I couldn’t understand what the big deal was. Just because I was friends with Zac didn’t mean that it had any affect on Wally, but he was still tight lipped on all subjects when he was facing me. I hoped that our stupid squabble would rest soon. It was bound to because it was meaningless, but I was tired of waiting for him to grow up.

After school I waited on the stoop in the cold for Veda to come out of her meeting with the cheerleaders. She had to work and then go home to finish packing for her trip, but she was taking me home so I could get ready to go to the Club with Greta and Mike. I wished that she could come and spend some more time with me before she had to leave, but she couldn’t skip work now when she was about to take almost a week off.

I was sitting there hugging my knees and watching the hackey-sackers struggle to keep up the game in their many layers of clothing when something fell on my shoulder. I lifted my hand as a Butterfinger wrapper dropped onto my hand. When I looked up I was very unhappy to see Duncan standing on the step above me.

"Oops, I'm sorry," he said to me as he stepped off the stoop. Sarcasm dripped from his voice. "I thought you were the trash bin."

His followers laughed as I glared at him. "Fuck off, Duncan."

"Where's prince charming? Not here to save you this time?" he asked with a smirk.

I rolled my eyes, turning away from him. "You worried?"

"Not at all. It was sickening to see someone paying that much attention to you," he said.

I sneered at him. "Then why are you paying so much attention to me?" I asked.

"Like I said." He shrugged slowly, returning my look. "Thought you were the trash bin."

I shook my head at his idiocy. "It was only sickening because you were so scared when he showed up, you looked like you were about to puke."

"Please," he said with the air of a total snob.

"And the only thing about my 'prince charming' that made you sick," I spat, "was the fact that he could beat your ass to a bloody pulp and you know it."

He looked at me like I was stupid. "You're an idiot."

I rubbed my freezing cheek. "Nice comeback. I'm sure you've been planning that one for days."

He began to spout another half-witted reply, but I didn’t receive it because he stopped himself when Ms. Silverman appeared at my side, wrapping a scarf around her neck. She acknowledged him with a simple look and he walked away, and then she looked down at me and smiled. "Have a good Holiday, Keavy."

I smiled back. "You too. See you next year."

She left then, and her presence was replaced by a surprising figure – Wally. He sat down next to me and wrapped his arms around himself, giving me a timid grin. "Hey Keavy."

"Hi," I replied. I wasn’t sure if I needed to prepare myself for another argument.

"What are you doing this weekend?" he asked, shocking me even more.

"I’m not sure. Why?"

"There's a basketball game on Friday."

"Oh," I said, nodding. "Right, there is."

"You want to go?"

"I don't know. I’m having family over for Christmas. They’re staying until Friday and I don’t know exactly when they’re going home."

"I figured you and Veda would already be going, because her boyfriend is on the team, isn’t he?"

"No, but a lot of his friends are." I shrugged. "Veda hasn't said anything about it, though."

"Oh, I see." He paused, biting his lip. "Well, we should all go, maybe it would be fun."

"Maybe, but I wouldn't want to go without her."

Wally nodded slowly, looking at the ground for a moment. But then he quickly lifted his head, looking hopeful. "What are you guys doing tonight? Want to catch a movie?"

I shook my head. "She has to work, but I'm going to the Cue Club with some friends."

"Oh." He looked really disappointed. I felt bad for him. I knew he was trying to reconcile, and if I kept turning down I would probably end up receiving an awkward apology, but I realized that I didn’t want one. He’d upset me before, but I didn’t expect him to apologize for making a statement about how he felt. He’d only been concerned for me, anyway. I decided to give him a break.

"You want to meet me there?" I offered, smiling a little.

His whole face lit up. "Sure! I haven't been there in a while."

My smile grew. "It’ll be fun."

The club is probably my favorite place to be with my friends. The atmosphere there is somewhat dark but the light is so rich, and it’s always warm in there with the heater going and from the energy that everyone fills the place with. I’m usually found at a table with my group, talking over drinks and snacks, laughing at their jokes and how they tend to bicker good-naturedly before Penelope pulls me out onto the dance floor for some grooving.

There was much cause for celebration on this night due to school being out for the holidays, but instead of shining with happiness I sat there awkwardly as Wally hovered, watching me drink and asking me if I’d like a refill or some chips and making sure I was warm enough. I was beginning to think that Veda was right – maybe Wally liked me more than I wanted him to.

I tested him at one point, asking about the girl he supposedly liked from his old school. "Who?" He asked, leaning in to hear me over the burst of laughter on the other side of the table, which was caused by a witty insult Farrah directed at Mike.

"Amanda," I said to Wally. "Isn’t that her name?"

"Amanda?" He was confused. "Do you mean Amara?"

I shrugged slowly, unsure. "I suppose… the girl that you like."

He frowned thoughtfully, shaking his head. "I don’t know. She was just a friend. I actually haven’t talked to her in a while."

"Oh," I said, disappointed. I hoped that he didn’t have a crush on me. Not only would that be weird and still unusual to me but it would increase the awkwardness that I was feeling between us. But I tried to forget about it, reminding myself that he was probably just trying to make up for our fight. I tried to relax.

"I love this song," Wally said into my ear, for the third time that night as ‘The Remedy’ by Jason Mraz began to play. He’d officially begun to annoy me, because he kept vaguely hinting to me that he wanted us to get out there and dance together. But I pretended that I wasn’t receiving any hints, hoping that he would let up on it, but it only made him try harder. "Don’t you?"

I nodded, smiling uncomfortably. "Yeah, it’s great."

"Makes me want to dance."

"Then why don’t you go dance?" I asked politely.

Wally grinned at me and shrugged, and then he jumped off his chair and strode out onto the floor. We all watched him and laughed as he started doing all these dances. It looked like a mix of the Electric Slide, the Macarena, and the Hokey-Pokey. I even managed to giggle myself, feeling less irritated. I whirled around in my seat when someone suddenly tapped my shoulder, and I was deeply surprised to see Veda standing there.

"Veda!" I cried happily. The others noticed her and were delighted, yelling as they welcomed her to our table. "What are you doing here?" I asked when they finished sharing greetings. "What happened to you working late?"

"Janice mixed up her schedule and came in when she wasn’t supposed to. But she wouldn’t leave so I gave her my shift." With a heavy sigh, Veda sat down in Wally’s empty seat. She looked troubled, just like she had on the ride home though I didn’t know why. "I just really didn’t feel like staying there, anyway."

"Why? Did something happen?"

Suddenly she looked like she was about to burst into tears. "Fucking stupid Alex broke up with me."

"What?!" I yelled as my jaw dropped. "Why?"

"He just wants to be friends!" she said, mocking him. "Because I’m going away to college soon, he says. Even though I’m not leaving for months. I mean, I just recently sent in my applications, so I don't even know where I'm going yet."

"Did you tell him that?"

"No," Veda said, shaking her head. "What’s the point? He’s already made up his mind."

"Yeah," I said quietly, rubbing her arm. "I’m sorry, Veda."

She glared at me horribly, but I knew that none of her hate was directed at me. "He doesn’t want to stay together for so long because it’ll hurt too much when I leave. I think it’s bullshit."

"It sounds like it," I said, trying to comfort her.

"I think he just likes someone else." Veda sighed again. "I’m sorry I didn’t tell you earlier, I just didn’t want to end up yelling."

"It’s okay, I understand. It’s good that you’re here now, then. We can hang out and party before you leave."

She smiled at me. "Yeah. So what have I missed?"

"Not much. Just a lot of laughing. And bickering. And hovering."

Veda lifted an eyebrow at me. "Hovering?"

"Wally’s here." I turned to the dance floor to watch him do the Swim. She followed my gaze. "I think you were right about him."

Veda barked out a highly amused laugh, picking up Wally’s drink. "Oh, boy. Is this his?"

"Yeah. Sprite."

She drank it.

"I asked him about that girl I told you he liked. He said that her name was Amara and they were only friends." I sighed. "I hope that he doesn’t like me, and that he’s just trying to make things right again after our stupid argument."

Wally came back to us right then, and moved to pick up his drink. He was confused when he couldn’t find it, but he grinned when he saw Veda. "Oh, hey."

"Hey you. I hope you don’t mind me stealin’ your drink, I was mighty thirsty," she said in a southern drawl, batting her eyes innocently at him.

He laughed. "It’s okay. I’ll just go get a new one. You need anything? Keavy?"

I forced a smile, shaking my head. "No, I’m good. Still."

"He better not like you," Veda said, chewing on a piece of ice after he walked away. "He’ll just get his heart broken because there’s no hope. You’re spoken for."

I yelped when something began to vibrate against my leg, and jumped up to pull my cell phone out of the pocket of my jeans. Veda laughed at me as I looked at the screen, and I held it up, grinning at her. "Speaking of," I said as I showed her who was calling. It was Zac.

Veda laughed harder, snorting. "Did I call it or what?" I giggled and told her I’d be right back, and I picked up my jacket as I answered the call.

"Hi," I said happily, shrugging my jacket on as I made my way through the club.

"Hello beautiful," Zac’s voice replied, making me blush. "How are you doing this fine evening?"

"I was doing good, but now I’m great."

"Where are you? I hear noise."

"I’m at the Club. I’m heading outside, though."

"Aw. I miss the club. How’s the gang? They call me constantly but humor me."

"They’re normal. You know, ‘you’re a bitch, no, he’s a bitch, no, Farrah’s a bitch,’" I paused as stepped through the doors and walked toward the end of the building, away from the bouncer. I leaned against the wall and sunk down with a sigh. "And, of course, something about issues of evil and satanic bonds, and who stole whose buffalo wing."

"The usual. It was Mike, wasn’t it?"

"He was caught red handed and smelling spicy," I told him with a grin, tucking my hair behind my ears.

"Those things are messy."

"Especially when they’re near him."

"You’ve got that right," Zac said through a yawn.

I tilted my head to the side, staring at the ground. "How are you?"

"Tired," he croaked. He sounded like he was stretching. "I’ve been up since six. Boredom really tires you out."

"Boredom? I thought you were working."

"There’s not much left to do. We finished recording—"

"Really? That’s great, Zac!"

"Yeah, it is. Right now we’re kind of just waiting for our flight home. We were going to bump it up but Isaac’s been visiting friends so we’re letting him have that extra time."

"If all of the work is done then how come you have to go away again after Christmas?"

"The work here is done, we’ve just got some other stuff we have to take care of in LA."

"I keep mixing it up. I keep thinking you’re in LA right now, and New York is next week."

"Nah. New York is where it all goes down, baby," he said in a deep voice. "It’s the city."

"Ah, I wouldn’t know, you see, because everyone else likes to go there without me."

"I’m sorry." He whined at me apologetically.

I smiled. "I don’t mean you. My sisters. They’re always going there, and they never invite me."

"Well they suck."

I laughed briefly. "Speaking of my sisters… Nyx and I had a really good conversation on her birthday. The first one in… well, a really long time."

"Since Halloween?" He ashed quietly.

"Since before then. We’ve never really communicated much, but we talked a lot of things out… she’s not mad at me anymore. Or you, even. She told me a lot of things that surprised me…"

"Like what?"

I smiled again, secretly. "Sister stuff. Don’t worry about it. But I just wanted to tell you… if you wanted to talk with her some time, or make peace or anything… I think it’s a good time to."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah. She’s not mad anymore."

"I mean… are you sure?"

"I am. I actually want you to talk to her, sooner or later."

"Alright. I will. For you."

"Keavy?" Someone asked nearby. I looked up and quickly jumped to my feet when I saw Wally approaching me. "Are you coming back?"

"Yeah, I’m just," I stuttered hurriedly, hesitant to tell him whom I was talking to. "Phone call. I’ll be back soon."

"Who are you talking to?" He looked very curious.

"Who’s that?" Zac said.

"My sister. She, uh, needs directions to someplace."

"Which sister?" Zac asked, thinking that I was talking to him.

"No, not you."

"Huh?"

I rolled my eyes. "I’ll be back soon, Wally."

He nodded and headed back inside. I groaned when he was gone.

"Wait, I’m your sister?" Zac asked sounding extremely perplexed. "When did this happen?"

I giggled. "Zac, hush. I was talking to Wally."

"Oh, that guy… what’d he want?"

"Just to know where I was, if I wanted a refill of my drink, to see if I was warm or not, or if I was hungry…"

"Uh, wow. Somebody sounds a little clingy." I could tell he was disturbed.

I sighed. "Yeah."

Zac didn’t say anything. I couldn’t hear anything on his end, either, not even his breathing.

"Zac?"

"Are… are you…" he trailed off quietly.

"Am I what?"

"Are you on a date with him?"

"No," I said quickly, forcefully. "No. No way. Though, I think he wants it to be a date. He keeps hovering and trying to ask me to dance. I’m really worried that he… you know…"

"Likes you?"

"It’s stupid, I know."

"It’s really not," he said softly.

I smiled a little, leaning back against the wall again. "It’s weird. I don’t know what to do about it."

"And… you don’t like him back," he said, stating it rather than inquiring about it.

"You know I don’t," I told him in a voice that gently suggested exactly why I didn’t like Wally.

"Good," he said, sounding normal yet relieved. Then he quickly added, "Just checking."

I exhaled loudly, watching my breath rise in the cold air. "You’re coming home soon."

"I am. I can’t wait to see you."

I looked down at the ground again, smiling bashfully. "I can’t wait to see you, either."

We both took in this moment quietly, and as I shuffled my feet several white flakes began to flow toward the ground. I looked up at the sky as large snowflakes began to fall with much speed. I put my hand up to catch some of them and watched them melt in my palm.

"Zac," I said quietly, stepping away from the wall.

"Hmm?" he murmured to me as I began to spin very slowly.

"It just started to snow."