chapter eighteen: don't confess

September went by so fast for me. Homecoming came and went like a whirlwind that tore up my world for a while. But by the second week of October, everything was kind of normal again. If you could call the fact that I was pining over my sister’s boyfriend normal. Which really wasn’t. Not for me. I never pined over anybody. Ever. But everything was changing so quickly, and it all began the day Zac crashed into my life. Or, as I should say, the day his football crashed into my face.

Sometimes I wondered what would have happened if I’d stuck to my normal safety routine and stayed in my room all day instead of going out to the park to read. Or if I’d stuck it out at camp and stayed for the rest of the month. I never would have met him. I’d still be normal and miserable as I always was.

Still… maybe there was a possibility that I was meant to meet him, or something. Like fate. Maybe I was destined to have him in my life. If that day at the park had never happened, would I still have had that amazing night with him at homecoming? Would I have made friends with his and learned to dance? Would I still be at his brother’s house with him on Columbus Day to help him move into his new place?

I pondered all of this as I carried the last box from his car into the house. If I had never met him, I wouldn’t feel the heartache that ate my stomach when I saw him smiling at my sister. I wouldn’t have had to shed tears when I saw him kissing her for the first time. I wouldn’t have had to experience that horrible party on Baker Street.

But I also wouldn’t have received that rose from him at homecoming, the one he gave me before leading me onto the dance floor where he held me tightly and swayed to a song that appropriately defined the moment as I rested my head on his shoulder. I wouldn’t have been able to overcome my fear of basements.

And I wouldn’t feel that little fire inside of me that licked my insides when he’d look at me with those bright eyes of him and give me this smile that always made me feel like I was perfect. It seemed like a secret when he gave me that look. He seemed so alive when he did.

I was jerked out of my thoughts when I bumped into someone. I blushed wildly as I stumbled back and looked up over the stack of books that was sticking out of the open box and saw Isaac was passing.

"Hey," he said, smiling.

I flashed him a goofy grin. There was something about him that always made me feel at ease. It was like that with Taylor, too. "Sorry."

"It’s okay. You need help with that?" he asked, reaching for the box.

I held it away from his hand. "No, I’ve got it. Thanks, though." I quickly passed him in the hall and sauntered toward Zac’s new bedroom, boosting the box up in my arms slightly so I could tighten my grip.

Zac was in there, shoving some of his clothes into his new dresser. He didn’t even bother to fold any of it.

"My mom would pass out on the spot if she saw what you were doing," I told him as I set the box down on the bare mattress of his bed. Which was also new.

He looked up, confused. "What?"

"The way you’re putting your clothes away," I said, pointing. "Wrinkles are the most horrible thing in the world to her."

"Oh," he said, laughing. "Yeah, my mom’s the same way."

I was the only one of his friends that was available to help him on his big moving day. But as far as I knew, I was the only one he’d asked. He didn’t need much help, anyway. He just requested that I help him unpack all of his boxes and decorate his room a bit. All of his furniture was bought and brought home with the help of his brothers that morning. Every last bit of it was new, right down to his bed sheets. He brought everything else from his parent’s house – his clothes, books, CDs, stereo, everything. He’d been waiting to do this for a while, he told me. Move out, that is.

It was decided early in the month that he’d be out of the family house by his eighteenth birthday, which was less than two weeks away. Zac wanted to do it a long time ago, but his parents refused to let him go until he was legal. Now as he almost was, he’d managed to do it in a day. It was only late in the afternoon. He was determined to have his shelves full and his bed made by dinnertime. We were ordering Pizza, which we planned to devour while watching The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers. We were half way there. He already had his CDs on his shelf and his stereo set up, and we were listening to Travis as we worked on everything else.

I sat down next to the box, curling my leg under me. I stared down at my stockings for a while. That had become my thing this autumn -- white stockings under my skirts. At school, mostly, but it felt nice so I started dressing like that more often. The freedom from the baggy legs of my jeans was nice. They tended to be a bit too long and I tripped a lot. This way, my legs were covered, I was warm in the cold, and I looked nice. At least, that’s what everyone kept telling me.

Reaching into the box of some of Zac’s belongings, I scoffed at the first book I picked up. It was the first in the Lord Of The Rings trilogy. How weird.

I glanced up at him, smiling wider to see him still putting his clothes away so carelessly. He was so excited about this day, and the coming days. "So your birthday is in like, a week."

He looked at me again, grinning. "Yeah, it is. I'll be legal." He wiggled his eyebrows at me.

I rolled my eyes at the look. "Let me guess, I'll never see you anymore because you'll be at the strip clubs twenty-four seven."

Zac laughed. "Most likely. But hey, if you decide to drop out of school and become a stripper, you could see me twice as much, and I totally would not object at all. You'd have my full support."

"I'm sure your girlfriend would definitely like both ideas," I said slowly, giving him a look.

It was his turn to roll his eyes. "Haha," he said dully.

"No, seriously. She's weird like that. She'd want to go with you and get lap dances from hot girls with Jell-o tits," I said, making a disgusted face. Zac chuckled. "So what do you want to do for your birthday?"

"Go to a strip club," he said immediately, not missing a beat.

I wanted to playfully kick him for that, but he was too far away. So I picked up the first thing I saw on the floor – a balled up pair of socks. I threw it at him and he caught it with ease before tossing it into his sock drawer in the middle. "For real."

"I don't know," he said, shrugging. "I think I'm looking forward to a mellow evening, as boring as that sounds. I just want to get everyone together to hang out and give me lots of presents."

I smiled again at the excited tone in his voice. "What do you want?"

"I don't know, really." He closed the drawers and leaned against them, staring pensively at nothing. "I'm not good at thinking of things when I have to. So, surprise me."

"Alright," I said with a sigh, stretching my legs out in front of me. My foot hit one of the many boxes scattered around the room. I leaned forward to case inside of its open flaps. "At least I have time to think... what's in this box?"

"Pictures, looks like," he said, coming over to check it out. He sat down on the floor and started digging through, picking up handfuls of unsorted pictures. "They're so unorganized. Mom would totally die."

"They look pretty old," I said, taking one. "Farrah has red hair here."

"They are pretty old. I haven't had new ones developed in ages." He leaned over the box to look at the picture I was holding. "Farrah had red hair when we were sixteen. I think I want to put them all up on my wall. Like how you have that big wall collage in your room."

"I wish I had more friends so I could have pictures of them on my wall."

"You have lots of friends," he said, patting my knee. "You just don't have pictures of them yet."

I shrugged. "I guess that's true..."

"It is true," he insisted, giving me a stubborn look. "Hey, I don't have any pictures of you, yet!"

I shook my head vigorously. "And you won't! I hate having my picture taken. I’m extremely not photogenic."

"Oh no, I will," he said as that stubborn glare returned to his face in a flash. "I'll have everyone else hold you down while I take one, if I have to."

I gave him a nasty look, wrinkling my nose. "Sure, sure..."

Silence fell over us for a little while after that. I sunk down to the floor to sit on the side of the box opposite him. I looked through it for a long time before realizing that my skirt was up way too high above my thighs. That was the part I still had to get used to – the one skirt I had that wasn’t for school wasn’t incredibly long, and I needed to form a habit of keeping it down where it belonged.

I felt nervous after my discovery and started fidgeting. I was paranoid that he had noticed, but he wasn’t saying anything. After a short time I racked my brain for something to say.

"How are things going with Nyx?" I asked randomly, way too eager to break the silence.

He glanced at me. "They're... good." He shrugged. He almost seemed uninterested. It made me feel hopeful, that perhaps he wasn’t uninterested in the topic – just growing uninterested in her. "She's good."

"I'm surprised you two are getting along," I said quietly. "You're so different."

"Yeah, that's true." Zac nodded. "We have a lot of different tastes. But she's open-minded. I like that."

He was smiling. My heart dropped and I averted my eyes. "Yeah..."

"And we do have some things in common," he continued. "Like painting."

"Really?" I asked. Now, I was the one who probably seemed uninterested.

"Yeah. She's shown me more of hers since we met. They're really good."

"I thought you didn't find her artwork very affecting?"

Slowly, he half shrugged. His hands dangled over the edge of the box. He didn’t seem to be looking at them, and I realized that it was because he was staring at me when I looked up. "I know... but... that sort of changes when you get to know someone better, I guess."

"Yeah," I muttered, "I guess."

There was a pause. Zac was still staring. "You're not still... mad at her, are you?"

"No. Well, yeah." I slouched. "I mean, I'm always mad at her."

He raised an eyebrow at me. "Why?"

"She just pisses me off." I began to regret bringing up the subject altogether.

"She talks about it sometimes." He started looking through the pictures again. "Says she doesn't get you."

"Well, mission accomplished, then," I declared, more harshly than I intended to. "It's my job to be the confusing little sister." I grabbed a random picture, hoping to find a change of subject. I gazed at the girl in it beside a red-haired Farrah. She had straight, dark hair to her shoulders that was tucked behind her ears and black glasses on her face. A huge, happy smile was gracing her, making her seem very sweet. "Who's this?"

Zac looked. He stared for a few seconds and then smiled. "That's Jaclyn."

I glanced at it again. "She's pretty."

"Yeah," he agreed, nodding. "I forget sometimes, how pretty she was."

"Does Nyx know?" I asked, suddenly very curious.

"About Jaclyn?"

"Yeah."

"No. I haven’t told her." He sighed. "I don't think I'm going to, either."

"Why not?"

"I don't know." He shrugged again. "At least, not yet, I'm not. Don't feel comfortable enough."

I watched his face for a while. It was obvious to me that he meant that. The little hopeful feeling came back to me. "You felt comfortable telling me, though."

Zac looked at me again and smiled a little. "I did."

"She had a boyfriend who died," I said quietly. "Dan."

He nodded briefly. "I remember you telling me that."

I raised my finger to my lips. I started biting the nail on my index. I didn’t think he understood my reasons for bringing that up. "And you still don't want to talk to her about it?"

"Nah," he said casually. "I'm going to wait it out."

"Is she the first person you've been with since Jaclyn?" Once this question escaped my lips, even though it was muffled slightly by my hand, I got the feeling that I was beginning to dig myself into a very deep hole.

He looked at me sharply. He seemed unsure. "What do you mean by that?"

"I mean…" I gazed at him curiously. "What do you think I mean?"

"Sexually?"

My eyes widened. Did I want to know that? "Um..."

"No," he said quickly. His eyes darted around me. Was he nervous, talking to me about something like that? "But I haven't-- Nyx and I, we--"

I made a desperate, uncomfortable sound. "Over-sharing! Over-sharing."

He laughed. "Sorry. I haven't been in a serious relationship since Jaclyn. I've had... well, relations, if you will, but no girlfriend."

"Would you call what you have with Nyx serious?"

Zac leaned back then, looking surprised. He blinked a few times before replying. "I don't know. Semi-serious, I guess. We're taking things slowly."

"How long do you think you two will be together?" Thud! That was the shovel hitting a root deep in the dirt. Apparently, the hole I was digging was near a tree.

"I'm not sure," he said, slightly perturbed by my quick line of questioning. He got up and turned his back to me as he went through another box on top of his dresser. "I guess... I don't know. I don't think I'm really... feeling it. With her. I'm more worried about you." He turned around again. He was holding up the mini basketball hoop I remembered seeing on the door to his bedroom back at his parent’s house.

"Why?" I asked. Worried? About me? "Because of what I told you?"

"About…?" He gave me a suspicious look. Apparently, we were confusing each other.

"When I was twelve," I said softly.

The suspicion left his face. "No." He walked over to the door to attach the hoop. "I think about it a lot, but I know you're okay. And I know you'd tell me if you weren't. At least, I hope you would. The same goes for my relationship with Nyx." He closed the door when it was on.

"It's fine," I said, almost mechanically.

"You keep saying that, but I don't think it is," he said, pointing at me as he went back to the box. He picked up the little basketball that fit in his hand.

"Well, I can't say that I'm extremely happy about the fact that you're dating someone I would really rather you not even know," I said quickly in one breath. He gave me a look. "But… I won't tell you to give it up if it makes you happy. I wouldn't want that." I stared down at my legs and scratched my knee through my white stocking.

"Why do you feel that way about her?" he asked.

"It's just the way things are," I said, tossing my hair out of my face as I raised my head again. I huffed, trying to blow it back when a stray lock fell back into my eyes. "We used to be really close, but then we got older and she started pulling away. She's always gone, and right when I'm becoming comfortable with something she buts in and takes it all away. She did it with Ethan and now she's doing it with--" I stopped myself and resumed biting my nail. I didn’t mean to go on like that about it. I was afraid he’d get annoyed with me for my obvious continuing distrust. But I couldn’t help it. His relationship with her developed so fast, and fearing the idea of losing him seemed reasonable at this point. It was my way of life.

Zac was tossing the ball between his hands as I spoke, but he stopped when I did. After staring at me for a while, his emotions left his face and he sighed as he finished what I was saying. "With me?"

I looked away, deciding to fix my gaze on my dirty shoe as I pulled my foot onto my other knee. I leaned my elbow on it and focused on my nail, biting and tugging hard.

He came back over to me and knelt down in front of me. Gently, he bopped me on the head with the ball and pulled my hand away from my mouth. "No eating fingers," he said. I smiled. He always said that when he caught me biting my nails. "She's not taking me away," he said softly. The comfort in his voice made me feel warm, like I could trust him. I wanted to, but I was afraid… "I'll tell you that as many times it takes for you to trust me, even if you don't until I say it for the millionth time."

"I do trust you," I said. I wasn’t sure if that was a lie or not.

"You just don't trust her," he said, shaking his head. "You don't trust your own sister."

I leaned back against the bed, groaning quietly. "Come on, you know how is. You have two older brothers."

He nodded. "Yeah I do, but that's different." We both knew this was true, but he went on about it anyway. "Half of the time, I want to kick their asses, and then the other half, they're my best friends."

"I know," I mumbled after he made his obvious point sharper. "Look, I trust Nyx, I just hate how--"

"Keavy," he interrupted. His voice was still soft but it demanded my attention. When I looked up, he was gazing at me with such affection that made me forget the meaning of the word ‘breathe.’ His eyes were wide as they bore into mine unblinkingly, and I began to wish that he would just lean in and kiss me. "I don't want to get in the middle of you two. And I don't want her to get in the middle of us. If you don't want me to see her anymore, just say so."

I bit my lip on the inside, forbidding myself to speak. I knew that if I did, I would tell him not to see her anymore. I couldn’t be selfish like that. If I told him what I wanted to tell him, it wouldn’t be fair to him, or to her. If they liked each other, who was I to stand in their way, but a frivolous fifteen year old with nothing to offer him?

When I didn’t say anything, Zac sighed and got up. He backed up to his dresser and turned to the basketball hoop. He tossed the ball across the room toward it, and it hit the hoop but didn’t go in. I watched it hit the floor and roll under the bed after bouncing lightly.

"So what do you want for your birthday?" I asked again, staring after it disappeared.

"I think we covered that already," he said.

I looked at him and smirked, attempting to make things lighter again. "Yeah, but that doesn't mean I'm not going to bug you until you give me a suggestion. It's the burden the birthday boy must carry. Everyone's allowed to badger the hell out of you all month, but--"

"But on my birthday, it's my turn to be annoying," he said, giving me a dirty look as a crooked smile curled his lovely lips.

"Exactly," I said, waving my hand toward him. "It’s your party. You can cry if you want to."

She wouldn’t stop talking about Alex now that they were officially dating exclusively. Veda kept telling me about every funny thing he’d say to her, which weren’t all that funny second hand. Not that I minded, though. It was nice to listen to her instead, and get a break from my own constant complaints about how I wasn’t getting my way with Zac. I felt like such a spoiled brat sometimes.

As she rambled on, we walked across the square toward the senior parking lot. I let my hair down to warm my ears, which the October air had begun to chill once we stepped out of the building. I buttoned my blazer shut and hid my hands in the pockets, watching Veda wave her hands around as she talked animatedly, telling me a story that she’d already told earlier that day around lunch time. I was dodging a random kid when my attention was drawn by a voice calling out, "Hey!"

I stopped immediately and turned around. There was something in that voice that was familiar to me. Veda seemed to notice it too, because she was standing beside me and looking around too.

"Keavy!" It sounded like my sister.

Veda followed me back across the square to the main gate, where we both froze upon seeing Nyx across the street, hanging out the window of what was obviously a brand new black Volkswagen Beetle. When she saw us standing there with our jaws on the ground she grinned and waved.

"You never told me she got a car," Veda said, nudging me.

"I didn’t know!" I gasped, staring.

"Come on, guys," Nyx yelled, waving us over. As we quickly crossed the street, she got out of the car and started circling it. "Check it out!"

I stood in front of it and stared as Veda mimicked my sister, walking around to check the car out. I wanted to make some sarcastic joke just to spite Nyx or something like that, but all I could do was stare. She was the biggest slacker in the world. The only thing she could accomplish was stealing my should-be boyfriend. How the hell did she manage going out and getting a car?

"What the hell is this?" I asked finally, freaked out. "I mean – you don’t even have your license yet."

"Yes I do," Nyx said, smiling proudly. "Got it over the weekend. And Mom and I just spent all day registering this baby."

"Early birthday present?" Her birthday was in December. She’d be eighteen. Or was it nineteen? I was never sure and I mixed it up all the time. I didn’t have enough willpower to think it over at the moment.

She shrugged. "Something like that. Thought I’d pick you up today and take you shopping."

"Shopping?"

"For Zac’s birthday presents."

"Oh."

"I want a beetle," Veda whined, smashing her face up against the passenger window.

"You can come too, Veda," Nyx said. At this, Veda jumped up and down, squealing. "Why don’t we drop your car off at your house and then we can all go together in mine?"

Veda was reluctant to leave the pretty new car, but she agreed to the idea and eventually got into hers, which was parked in the senior lot. I sat shotgun in the beetle and leaned hard against the comfy seat as I inhaled the fresh new car smell. Nyx got in and started the engine as I buckled my seatbelt. She shifted gears before buckling hers, but she did when I scolded her. When Veda drove past us she pulled out of her parking spot and followed her down the road. The ride felt very smooth and somewhat unfamiliar, the way a new car usually did to me.

"How old are you going to be in December?" I asked her as she fiddled with the radio.

"Eighteen," she said, giving me a weird look. "You don’t know how old I am?"

"I wasn’t sure if you were turning eighteen or nineteen," I said, shrugging. "You’re already eighteen in my head."

"Can’t you figure out the math?"

"It’s frustrating."

Nyx scoffed. "Watch out, Harvard."

Soon she gave up on the radio and told me to put Alanis Morissette in the CD player when she pulled her CD case out of the back seat. I pushed Jagged Little Pill in and rubbed my stockings to warm up my legs a little more as I listened to my sister sing along with the music. She had such a nice voice.

When we got to Veda’s, she took her school stuff inside and hurried into the back seat of the new car. Nyx suggested that she get changed real quick, but Veda said she didn’t want to single me out in my uniform and I felt grateful. I got weird looks sometimes. We jumped into a discussion of where we were going to go. Nyx wanted to hit up the mall, but neither of us obvious school-girls wanted to be seen there in our stupid get up. So we settled on Wal-Mart, where all of the other losers shopped.

Nyx grabbed a cart right away and we followed an energized Veda around. Veda was aisle hopping very quickly and mumbling to herself. Nyx kept looking at her oddly and asking me if she was okay, but I just shrugged it off. Veda was Veda.

"Has Zac said anything to you about what he wants for his birthday?" Nyx asked.

I shook my head. "Nah. He’s dumb. He’s like, ‘surprise me.’"

"That helps," she said lightly, looking around as I squeezed a past a mother arguing with her daughter. "So does he talk to you about me?"

"What?"

"Zac," Nyx said. "Does he say anything about me or how he feels or anything like that?"

"Well," I thought hard about our last conversation. I remembered Zac saying that he wasn’t sure he was really into Nyx. As if I were actually about to tell her that… "We talk..."

"Yeah," Nyx nodded expectantly. She waited for me to go on.

"He... digs your paintings."

She frowned. "He doesn't really like me, does he?"

"I don't know," I said. It wasn’t even a lie – I didn’t know how he felt. As much as I hoped and wished and tried to assume, I wasn’t sure of anything. "I don't live in his head."

"But you're his best friend. I'm sure he talks to you about things like these."

"Well, I hung out with a lot him last week, and we talked about a lot of different stuff." It was warm in there. I took off my blazer and hung it over the side of the cart. "One thing we didn't talk about, though, was what he wants for his birthday. He wouldn't give me any suggestions."

"I'm going to give him a gift basket type of thing, with lots of random crap in it he needs for his new place," she said brightly. "What do you think?"

Sure. Nothing says ‘I love you’ like a freaking gift basket. "Sounds good."

"He seems kind of distant lately," she continued quietly. "When we're together, he zones out a lot. When I ask what's on his mind, he says nothing."

"Well, he has been working a lot lately," I said, trying to comfort her and get her off the subject. "They're trying to finish an album and get a record label up off the ground. Can't blame him for being a little distracted."

"I don't blame him... I know it's probably about work, but I still wish he would talk to me." She sighed. "Sometimes... I don't know."

"What?" I asked. I couldn’t help myself, but I could kick myself internally, so I did.

Nyx stopped walking. I did too and when I turned to her she made a face. "Sometimes I just get the feeling that he's thinking about someone else." She looked worried. I felt bad. But I didn’t want to.

"Oh," I said softly.

"Has he said anything to you?"

"No." I stared past her across the store uncomfortably. A Halloween decoration kept my attention for a while – it was a fake pumpkin hanging from the ceiling.

"I know he has all of these other friends I haven't met yet," Nyx said, running a hand through her hair. "Maybe he's met someone."

Obviously, you agree that there’s no way in hell that he could ever like me, too, I thought bitterly, giving the pumpkin a dirty look. "He hasn't said anything to me," I said.

"Did he just break up with someone recently?" she asked. I doubted that she planned on dropping this subject any time soon. Eventually, I would just have to start ignoring her for my own sake and join up with Veda, wherever she was. "He doesn't talk much about things like that, either."

"He didn't just break up with someone recently," I said dully, and began walking again. She followed in suit, pushing the cart beside me.

"Has he talked to you about it?"

"Well..."

"Told you about his last girlfriend?"

"Not really."

"I really don't think he likes me that much, Keavy."

"Sure he does."

"No… he doesn't talk to me like he talks to you."

I sighed now. Why couldn’t kissing go hand in hand with that? ‘A Frenchie for your thoughts?’ I got a visual of Zac shoving his tongue down my throat and made a face. Hopefully, our conversations wouldn’t ever be that passionate. Still, I began to wonder what even a kiss like that felt like… and quickly came to the conclusion that I would never find out. "I don't know why I'm obsessing over it so much," Nyx said. "I don't know him that well. But I want to. It's frustrating when you like someone more than they like you."

I sighed. Ain’t it the truth…

"So what has he said to you?" she asked.

I shrugged. "He hasn't had a serious girlfriend in a few years."

"Really? Why not?"

"He... it's not my place to say. It's his personal... business."

"His personal business that he won't even share with me, his girlfriend."

Girlfriend. I was instantly annoyed. "Just chill out. Give it some time. You've only known him for a few weeks. Focus on shopping."

"Oh, that'll be easy, since I barely know the guy I'm shopping for!"

Finally, I’d had it. Groaning, I quickened my pace and went searching for Veda. I turned down a random aisle and though I didn’t find her there, I kept walking and as I walked I looked around. It was an aisle full of picture and poster frames, scrapbooks and photo albums. I stopped and stared at them as an idea was lit up in my head like a light bulb. As I gazed at one of the fake pictures of a group of friends smiling together, I smiled to myself, knowing now exactly what I’d give Zac for his birthday.

"Really?!" he asked quickly, his eyes lighting up. "What is it?"

I grinned deviously, amused by his enthusiasm. "A new car," I teased.

His mouth fell open. "Are you serious?"

"No." I laughed.

Zac rolled his eyes. "Dang. But... if you decide to change your mind, here's a tip: yellow hummer." He nodded his head.

I gave him a dumb look, raking up some leaves into the pile huge we’d been working on for the past hour. "Right. Those are so expensive to keep. I hear they eat up gas really fast."

"What are you getting me?" he asked, setting his chin on the top of his rake.

I scoffed at him. "So not telling."

He gasped. "Tease."

"I know," I replied, sticking my tongue out at him.

He returned the gesture and the resumed the job we were doing in front of his and Isaac’s house. It was a nice little brown house, with old bricks and yellow shutters. It had only one floor, with two bedrooms, a bathroom, living room, kitchen and dining room. There was also a garage. I hadn’t seen the inside of it yet, but Zac told me they had dirt bikes stored in it. When I got excited about the idea of him riding a dirt bike, he told me that he’d teach me someday.

It would most likely be in the springtime before he would have to leave for promotions and tour for their upcoming album. I hoped that this promise would be kept. I knew I’d miss him when he left. It was so far away, but I was already saddened when I thought of it.

We raked in comfortable silence together for a little while. Zac kept humming and dancing around, but I didn’t say anything, I just smiled and let him act like the freak he was. Suddenly, he dropped his rake, picked up a bunch of leaves and threw them at me.

"Bitch, what are you getting me?!" he cried, playfully irritated.

"I'm not telling you!" I said, dropping my rake as well. I picked up some leaves and threw them back at him. "It's a surprise, you freak."

"I want to know!" he whined like a little boy.

"Well you'll have to wait!" I scolded, shoving him.

He shoved me back. I shoved him harder. Then he grabbed me and turned me so he could push me toward the huge pile of leaves in the middle of the yard. I stumbled back and fell into it, and then he proceeded to bury me in it. The whole time, I was laughing and screaming and trying to fight him off while at the same time trying to keep my skirt from riding up, which was hard. He was laughing too and working hard to cover me up with the leaves, but then everything stopped when he slipped on some and fell on top of me.

It was very, very sudden, and the world seemed to freeze the second his chest landed on mine. His body was very clumsily positioned on top of me, but nothing about it was very funny anymore. He wasn’t even laughing. There was a pause between us, and it seemed to last forever in my silent state where I couldn’t breathe – and my lack of air wasn’t because he was heavy on my chest.

Soon Zac lifted his head and pushed himself up on his hands, which he placed beside my shoulders, and knees, which were straddling one of my legs. And he just stared at me, looking as startled, and even almost anxious, as I felt.

Kiss me, I begged him silently. Please, just kiss me.

Finally he smiled, looking quite nervous. "Sorry," he said.

I swallowed hard and tried to speak, but it took me a while. "I-it's okay," I stuttered. When I managed a smile, I automatically attempted to make things lighter again. If I were someone else, I would have just kissed him. "Besides," I added, "it's cold. And you're warm."

Zac rolled off me slowly, and lay close beside me on his back in the leaves. I watched him move away. He stared up at the blue sky and I watched his adam’s apple roll in his throat as he swallowed. His hand lingered beside mine and I felt his fingers twitch when we touched. My heart raced. Did he want to hold my hand?

"Keavy?" he asked after a few long moments of silence.

"Yeah?"

"Remember what we talked about last week? About me and Nyx."

My heart slowed down again and I breathed. I felt light headed. He was thinking about his girlfriend. I guess he didn’t want to hold my hand. "Yeah."

"You said that you didn't mind as long as I was happy."

"I know."

"What if I wasn't happy?"

I turned my head to face him. "Are you not happy?"

"I don’t know. Let’s say hypothetically speaking, for now. What if I wasn’t happy?"

"Then I'd suggest you find something that did make you happy."

"You mean someone."

Someone like me, perhaps? "Well... yeah."

"Yeah."

Silence. I listened to the birds singing in the trees around us and rubbed my nose. It was freezing.

"You want to go the movies?" Zac asked suddenly.

"Tonight?"

"No, next week," he said, smirking. He looked at me, moving away a little so he could turn on his side and face me. "Yeah, tonight."

I began to bite my fingernails. "How about tomorrow?"

"Why not tonight?" He inquired, staring at my hand.

"Tonight isn't good," I said, putting my hand back down beside me. My fingers tasted like dirt.

"Why not?" He looked at my eyes again.

"I..." I paused, wondering how I could put this. The excuse I had was valid and true, but I wondered how he would take it when I told it to him. "I have a doctors appointment."

"Oh." He looked confused. "Why? Are you sick again?"

"No." I shook my head. "It's just my regular appointment."

"Oh."

"With my shrink."

Now his eyebrows shot up. "You see a shrink?"

"Yeah." I nibbled on my thumbnail again, and then remembered right away that it tasted badly. I kept biting, though. "It's just twice a month for an hour, to make sure my medication is working."

At this, Zac looked even more bewildered. "You're on medication?"

I laughed a little and sat up. I turned around to face him, sitting with my legs folded. "Let's start over," I said, and waved my hand at him. "Hi, I'm Keavy. I was kidnapped when I was twelve and now suffer from post-traumatic stress disorder. I take Xanax for anxiety problems and see a shrink a couple times a month. I like cookies and writing and I enjoy Harry Potter and playing in the leaves."

Zac nodded slowly. "I see. I've heard of that disorder. Kind of sucks."

"Does kind of suck," I said with a sigh. He sat up with me, leaning forward. "I have to take a pill three times a day. I think it's working too well. I've been feeling kind of sedated lately. I'm going to see if she'll lower my dosage."

"Yeah, I kind of noticed that."

"Noticed what?" I asked, looking at him curiously.

"Well... you've seemed kind of distant lately," he said, and reached up to my head. He picked a leave out of my hair. "I figured it was because of what happened with... because of me and Nyx."

"Nah," I said, running my hands through my hair to get out any more leaves. "I blame it on school and medication."

"Oh." Zac looked a little suspicious.

I smiled bashfully. "And maybe a little bit of what you said."

He nodded again. "I thought so."

"Don't worry, though," I said. Then I put both of my hands on his head and completely messed his hair up, raking out pieces of leaves that were stuck in his short blonde hair. It was sticking up when I was done and he was grinning. "We're okay."

He smiled softly, and gave me that look that gave me a kind of warm chill. "I hope so."

School that day wasn’t bad at all because I had something good to look forward to. I got teased after Math class when I was called upon for an answer that I ended up getting wrong, but the day went by quickly and Zac was waiting for me outside when school let out. I was so happy to see him that I ran to him and jumped into his arms squealing "Happy birthday" over and over again as he lifted me off my feet. Veda joined us and gave him a big hug after he put me down.

Afterward, she headed home in her car to change. Zac took me home where I changed my clothes as well, leaving him downstairs to chat with my mom. I took my time getting ready, because I wanted to look really nice. I came out in a pair of jeans and a long sleeved white shirt under a yellow t-shirt that had ‘Blondes Have More Fun’ written on it. I put dark make up on around my eyes and applied some pink lip-gloss before slipping the tube into my pocket. Before going downstairs, I pulled on the poncho that Zac said I looked nice in and traded my saddle shoes for my black sneakers.

Veda arrived a few minutes later while I was redoing my ponytail after I joined Zac and Mom. We almost left without my present for him, so I darted back up to my room to get it, along with my messenger bag, which had my digital camera in it. When I was finally ready, I got into Zac’s car with him and Veda followed us in hers to his house.

Mike and Greta were arriving when we got there. I hugged both of them when I saw them, because I hadn’t seen much of them lately. They both had big presents for Zac, which they teased him about as we went inside. I half expected there to be streamers all over the place, but the place wasn’t decorated much. But there was a big box on the coffee table in the living room. I found tons of cans of silly string inside when I looked. Once everyone was there – Veda, Greta, Mike, Penelope, Farrah, Zac’s older brothers and me – the party was on, and those cans were put to use.

Taylor put music on after greeting me with a surprising hug, and then he picked up the first can and started attacking Zac with it. Everyone seemed to get the same idea, and each grabbed a can and started spraying the birthday boy down. I jumped in after putting my poncho in his room and tackled him to the floor. I sat on his stomach as he squirmed and laughed his ass off, and we both ended up getting hit by the string. In the middle of all of the chaos, Nyx arrived to pout about all of the fun she missed. My good mood got a bit sour then. I hadn’t even thought of her at all that day, and when I got up and saw the thrown look on Zac’s face, I got the feeling that he was having the same problem.

Everyone chilled out after that. Pizza was ordered, and we all sat around the living room just hanging out as we listened to music. Everyone quickly got wrapped up in conversations, and as I looked around from my seat curled up at the end of the couch, I just observed while taking pictures that would prove to be perfect for the gift I was giving Zac.

We were all still covered in silly string. Zac was in most of it. He wore it proudly around his neck and shoulders. I watched Nyx steal some of it and put it around her neck, smiling at him. He grinned back at her until Taylor distracted her, pulling her into a conversation. Zac stood by them, but he was left out of it, so he glanced around the room with a blank look on his face. He spotted me quickly though, and when he did he smiled again and hopped onto the couch next to me.

"Hi!" he said brightly.

"Hola," I said, grinning as I hugged my knees.

He tilted his head at me. "How's Mom?"

It was a very weird, random question, but I humored him. "Mom’s good," I said.

"The kids?"

"They're out," I told him straight-faced.

"Ooo," he said, giving me a devious look. "You know what that means."

I returned the look. "Let’s get busy!"

He stared at me oddly. "No. It means the kids are out. Duh."

I just frowned, but I had a hard time doing it because I was trying not to laugh.

"Busy." He scoffed. "Is that all you think about?"

"Yup."

He nodded, smiling again. "Just checking." Zac leaned his head against the back of his couch and stared at me. I snapped his picture like that. It was the one I knew I would keep for myself.

"Are you having a good birthday?"

"I’m having a great birthday. I want to open my presents. But Ike won’t let me yet."

Isaac wouldn’t let Zac open his presents until after dinner. When the food arrived we all got rid of the weird-smelling silly string and sat around the coffee table passing around boxes of pizza and bottles of soda. Greta and Mike shared a mozzarella stick, which was a visual that amused us all. Mike had it sticking out of his mouth, and she bit on the other end and pulled apart as he whined in protest. The cheese stretched about a foot before breaking.

When we all started groaning about how full our stomachs were, Zac demanded birthday cake. But then his brothers reminded him of the presents that were piled up by the back door, and Zac demanded presents. So he sat down on the couch as they were all handed to him. He got lots of stuff – CDs, video games, DVDs, a huge blue hat (from Mike), a batch of home made chocolate chip muffins from Veda (she couldn’t decide on what to get him), and Nyx’s gift basket.

It had a lot of really random crap in it for use around the house, from shaving cream to light bulbs to laundry detergent, and after going through it everyone was grinning, especially him. He kissed her on the lips for it. That was a sight I really couldn’t stand, so I got up to leave – my excuse was going to be a trip to the bathroom – but then someone handed him my gift.

I was already standing when he had it in his lap. "Who is this from?" he asked. I didn’t say anything. He pulled the card off and tore it open. He read it to himself and laughed, showed us the front of it (it was someone’s point of view from the ground, looking up with a bunch of flamingos looking down at them) then read it to the rest of us, "'If this is the first thing you see the morning after your birthday celebration, you may want to ask yourself these important questions,'" he opened the card, grinning widely, "'Am I naked? Is this my front yard? Who are these people, and why are their necks so long?'" He paused as everyone laughed, and his smile got softer though it still seemed to radiate much warmth. "'Happy Birthday. All my love, Keavy,'" he finished quietly, and looked up at me.

As I smiled back at him shyly, he reached out to me. I approached him on the couch and when I was close enough he grabbed my hand and pulled me down beside him. I held onto the card for him as he focused on the big box he was still holding, and as he ripped at the wrapping paper, I looked at my sister sitting on his other side. She was staring right at me. I felt my face heat up right away so I sat back and averted my eyes, trying to drop out of her view, but I doubt it did any good. I looked over at Veda. She raised her eyebrows at me but she was smiling. Everyone else was watching Zac.

He tore up the wrapping paper like he was desperate to get to the inside. He opened the cardboard box that it was hiding and threw up the thin paper on the inside and paused when he finally got to the center. He reached in and lifted the contents gingerly. The black leather of the new photo album was shining.

"A photo album?" he murmured as he gazed at it. He opened it up and carefully flipped through the pages, but they were all empty. He looked at me.

"Well, I, uh," I smiled nervously, feeling anxious under everyone’s stares. "All of those photos we were looking at were really old… and I remember you saying that you really miss everyone when you go away on tour and stuff. So I thought it would be nice if you had a photo album to take with you." He lifted one of the empty pages, giving me a crooked smile. I pointed to my digital camera sitting on the table with all of the messy, empty plates and the wrapping paper from his other gifts. "Actual photos coming soon."

Zac put the photo album back in the box and put the box on the floor before throwing his arms around me in a hug that pushed me back toward the arm of the couch. He squeezed me tightly and made me giggle. Though my laughter was silenced when I looked over his shoulder and saw the look my sister was still giving me, I didn’t let my smile fade. She’d already taken enough from me.

"Hey, you guys," Veda called. Zac pulled away a little and we looked over at her. She was holding up my camera, aimed at us, ready to take the picture. "Say cheese."

I tried to move behind Zac out of the way of the picture, but he wrapped his arms around me very tightly again and pressed his cheek against mine. I could only smile, and when I did Veda blinded us with the flash when she took our picture. Then she immediately burst out laughing with the others, commenting on the face Zac made. I asked what face, but Zac just said "The Zoolander face." I was confused, so he showed me – by slightly arching his eyebrows and puckering his lips a little, giving me a dramatic look. I stared at him like he was crazy. He didn’t seem to mind.

Cake came after that. The table was cleared off and then Taylor and Isaac carried out a huge ice cream cake that had eighteen candles lit over what looked like cartoon characters. They set the cake down on the table and everyone began to sing happy birthday. Zac waited impatiently for the song to end, and then had to wait a little longer because Penelope and Mike were singing to a completely different tune. Sounded like the funeral march. He grew a bit too anxious and blew out the candles before they finished. It only took him one breath. Then everyone applauded and Isaac cut the first huge piece out and handed it to the birthday boy. He sat back and enjoyed it with a satisfying look on his face.

I declined a piece when Isaac offered me one, and he was kind of surprised. I was still stuffed from the pizza, so I figured I’d just grab a piece later. I got up and wandered around after that, looking around the house and observing the dark, vacant backyard as I listened to the music that was still playing and hummed along. It was Tegan and Sara now.

After wandering for a little while, I finally turned back to get a piece of cake, but I stopped immediately when I saw Nyx cuddling up close to Zac’s side. I was instantly hit with this intense melancholy mood swing so I decided to use my bathroom idea. I went in there and sat on the edge of the bathtub and stared at the floor for a while, lost inside of my head.

I definitely spent a good amount of time zoned out in there, because suddenly I was shaking myself out of a stupor at the sound of a knock at the door. I quickly jumped up and swung the door open. Mike gave me a strange look, and I left telling him I was just fixing my hair.

The party came to an end kind of early, on account of how it was a school night. Taylor was the first to leave because he had a wife and kid to go home to. Penelope and Farrah went after that, and then Mike and Greta. I wanted to stay late and see Nyx leave first, but she never moved from her spot on the couch as everyone said goodbye. When it was just us left, I knew why – she planned on staying. She didn’t have anywhere to be in the morning. I felt a lump form in my throat. She probably planned on staying so she could have sex with him.

I turned around to whisper to Veda about stalling for as long as we could, but she wasn’t there. She was in the kitchen wrapped up in a conversation with Isaac as she helped him put the half-eaten cake away. I went looking for her to tell her, but when she saw me she asked if I was ready to go yet. Feeling defeated, I just went into Zac’s room to get my poncho. I really was exhausted. The day had been a roller coaster ride for me.

I pushed the door half way closed behind me out of habit as I walked in. I paused to breathe when I was inside, and looked around. Zac had started that picture collage like he said he wanted to, on the wall surrounding his dresser. I went over to look at the pictures, and looked at some that I could only assume were from Halloween some year. Mike looked like he was about to puke in one of them.

"Don’t think I’ll confess. Don’t think I’ll confess that I... don’t think I’ll deny. Don’t think I’ll deny that I... don’t be so hard on yourself, you won’t get better till you get worse."

"Keavy?" I looked up at the sound of my name. Zac slinked into the room without moving the door. "You going soon?"

"Yeah," I said quickly, moving to get my things off the bed. "I just came in here to get…"

"You didn’t have any cake," he interrupted, staring at me. "Why?"

"No reason. I was just stuffed from the food."

"Oh," he said quietly. "Well I’ll save you some. A lot. You can come over this weekend and eat it all."

I looked at him doubtfully. "You actually think it’s going to last that long?"

He smiled nervously, stepping closer. "No, but if it doesn’t, I’ll just get another."

I smiled back. "Okay."

Zac kept moving closer until he was standing right in front of me at the foot of his bed. I was about to reach for my poncho when he spoke again. "I never said thank you."

"Yeah you, send a little smile my way. And don’t be so hard on yourself, you won’t get better til you're worse."

"For what?"

"The photo album. It’s the best thing I’ve gotten today."

I rolled my eyes. "You’re just saying that."

"I’m saying it because it’s true," he said honestly. "It’s perfect. I can just imagine myself on tour, missing everybody like I always do. But the next time I’m away I’ll be able to see everyone’s faces whenever I want to."

"Good," I said, nodding. "That’s why I got it for you."

"I’ll be able to see everyone," he continued quietly, leaning a little closer as he stared at me. "Except you. I’ll only have one of you as far as I know."

"I don’t know about that… Veda can be sneaky and she knows how I am. She probably took a few of me while I wasn’t looking."

"I hope so."

"Yeah you, send a little love my way. Every second I spend waiting drags me closer to this grave. I’m not alone... no, I’m just on my own."

"But if not, you know," I shrugged, "It doesn’t really matter. You don’t need many of me. I got plenty of you and Nyx so that should be good enough."

Zac shook his head at this, but his gaze didn’t waver from mine at all. "Nyx isn’t you."

I couldn’t have said anything to that if I wanted to. I stared at him and all I could hear was my heart pounding in my ears and the music from the living room, which came soft and slow and made the meaningful look he was giving me almost unbearable. I wanted to look away, but I couldn’t do that either. I watched him slightly lick his lips and then searched his face. I smiled a little when I saw a crumb still on his face and reached up to wipe it away.

"And I... it's a little cold outside."

My hand slowly moved over his cheek and his eyes looked heavy. "Pizza crumb," I said quietly.

His eyes opened all the way again and my insides became twisted up. I couldn’t take it anymore. I kissed him.

It was so sudden, for the both of us. I still had my hand on the side of his face, so I leaned forward to join it with my lips against his. I didn’t have to move too far – he wasn’t as tall as he seemed sometimes, he only had about two inches on me. When I moved in he stayed still, and when it finally happened he was completely frozen.

His lips felt so soft, and so warm that the second we touched there wasn’t a single part of my body that didn’t feel the sensation. I felt like I was outside myself, pushing my body toward him, and then it was like I was being sucked back into reality when I felt his hand pulling me. Closer.

"Don’t think I’ll escape. Why would I... escape you? Don’t think I’ll replace... how could I replace you? And don’t be so hard on yourself, you won’t get better til you get worse."

His mouth moved against mine, returning my kiss, and it made my legs feel weak and wobbly. I felt myself falling back and my lips pulling away from his, but he held on, wrapping both arms around me. I clutched his shoulder and touched his hair as he sucked on my lip, motivating me to keep up with his kisses. It was so surreal, something I was feeling for the first time, and I didn’t want it to end. I just wanted to keep kissing him. The fact that I was forgetting to breathe didn’t matter because he was kissing me and holding me tightly against his body.

"Keavy!" Someone yelled, startling me away from him. "Come on, it’s getting late!"

I stumbled back and cupped my hand over my mouth, staring at him wide eyed. He stared back with a hand still reaching out to me, looking just as surprised as I was. He looked like he couldn’t believe what had just happened, with his mouth hanging open like he wanted to say something but he couldn’t form any words. My heart was pounding so hard and it made me feel dizzy. Suddenly, one thing popped up in my head. One name. Nyx.

"And every second I spend waiting drags me closer to this grave."

"Oh my God," I muttered, dropping my hand. My face began to sting with tears. "I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to do that. I was—oh my God."

He swallowed, reaching out to me again. "Keavy—"

I stepped back. "I’m sorry. I was just—it was a moment, and I got caught up—I can’t believe this. Oh my God," I cried, turning away to approach the door. "Please don’t say anything. I have to go."

"I’m not alone. No, I’m just on my own."