chapter eleven: divided

I don't know how long we danced. They kept me on the floor through so many songs, and by the time we were all ready to take a break my hair was dampened by sweat. My faced was flushed but I smiled big as we made our way back to our table. Greta and Penelope sat down and started sipping from their drinks right away, while Farrah nudged me. "Ours are empty," she said. "Let's get refills."

I nodded to her as she handed me my empty plastic cup, and then followed her to the bar, dancing a bit as I walked. She leaned over a pair of empty seats next to a girl with blonde and black hair that had her back turned to us. Farrah order our refills after I set my cup on the bar, I looked around the club as we waited for our drinks.

"Hey Keavs," a familiar voice said. As I turned around, Farrah looked for the voice as well, and when my eyes landed on the girl with blonde and black hair I realized why she'd seemed familiar to me. She was my sister. "Looks like the rhythm got you, just like Gloria Estefan said it would." Nyx's eyes twinkled mysteriously as she looked at me, raising her red cup to her lips. She sipped it through a straw and I just stared her, my mouth hanging open.

"Huh?" It was all I could manage.

"I was watching you dance," Nyx said over the music, though it wasn't extremely loud. "I've never seen you dance before. Having fun?"

"Yeah… what are you doing here alone?"

Nyx shook her head. "I'm not here alone. I'm with Ally and Mona. They're in the bathroom. We just drove up from Oklahoma City… they're spending the rest of the week with me at our house."

"Oh, goody," I mumbled so she couldn't hear.

But it seemed like she did, because she smirked. "We came here 'cause Mona needs to get away from her parents. She thinks she might be pregnant so we're going to help her get a test and everything."

"Wow… that's… pretty huge…"

She waved the subject away casually with her hand. "Not until it's confirmed. Who are you here with?"

"My friends." I shrugged.

"Veda's?"

"I said my friends," I repeated with a scowl. "Veda isn't here, she's at work."

"Dang… suddenly, everything's different with you, now that you've met that Zac guy…"

I glared at her defensively. "No it's not. Now I've actually got something close to a social life. There's nothing bad about that."

"Never said it was," she said, shaking her head. "When do I get to meet him? Is he here?"

"He's busy," I growled quietly. Then I realized suddenly that she hadn't said a word about Ethan. He wasn't there with her, which was very weird because she was always with him lately. Or so my Mother told me. I remembered his sad face in the cafeteria earlier at school. "Where's Ethan?"

Nyx shrugged, but said nothing. Farrah tapped me on the shoulder and whispered in my ear, asking who I was talking to. I turned and pointed between the two. "This is… my friend, Farrah," I said, glancing at her uncertainly. "I met her through Zac. Farrah, this is my sister, Nyx."

"Hello," Farrah said eagerly, which seemed a bit strange to me. As they shook hands, I noticed them each look the other up and down, checking each other out. This to me was normal behavior for Nyx because she liked girls as much as she liked boys, but Farrah was doing the same, which kind of freaked me out. Is she gay? I scoffed loudly at the random thought because it was silly, and had to cover it up with a cough when I laughed a bit.

"It's nice to meet you," Nyx said with a smile. "I hope you're taking care of my little sister, here?"

I looked at Farrah as I seethed over my sister's choice of words. I expected Farrah to make a dark joke or something like that, but she shrugged off what she'd said. "She doesn't need it. She's a big girl; doesn't need looking after."

Nyx smiled again, looking very pleased. My anger lifted a bit and I realized that she was probably just testing Farrah somehow. It left me a bit confused, though. "Well, Ally and Mona are on their way back, so we're going to take off. You have fun, okay? And I want to hear about your first day back to school."

"It was utterly horrible," I said. "Apparently everybody knows about what happened on Baker Street and now I'm an even bigger loser than I was before. The end."

Nyx rolled her eyes and patted my shoulder as she got up. "Very cool meeting you," she said to Farrah. They exchanged good-byes and Nyx kissed my cheek as she left. When she was gone, Farrah handed me my ginger ale and we walked back to Penelope and Greta. Farrah commented that my sister was nice. I didn't say anything; I only smirked.

The three of them started up a conversation I didn't take part in. I listened a bit but was mostly more interested in looking around the club. When I was in public places I sort of had this weird habit of looking around for faces that were familiar to me. I never spotted anyone I knew, though. But then suddenly Mike appeared in front of me, next to Greta. He put his arms around her and asked her what they were talking about. As she responded, I felt someone standing close to me so I turned to look and Zac was smiling down at me.

"Hey," he said, "come here." He took my hand and tugged lightly, pulling me off my stool.

"What?" I asked, but he didn't say anything until we were approaching the dance floor.

"Seems my own arrogance has knocked me off my feet again when you know I'm crawling to you as fast as I can. First teach me to walk and then I'll learn to dance for you like an honest clumsy clown, tripping along the way."

"Dance with me," he said. I was immediately nervous. The song that was playing was kind of slow. It had an upbeat rhythm but it wasn't very fast, and a lot of the people that were moving to the music were in somebody else's arms. Zac noticed my hesitance and tugged again. "Come on. I never dance, but I want you to dance with me. Please?" he whined.

I huffed and gave in. "Fine," I said quietly, and with a big grin on his face he pulled me out onto the dance floor. He lifted my hand to his shoulders and set his hands on my hips as he started moving to the music. To me he seemed a bit awkward, like there was a good reason why he'd said he never danced, but he seemed fine and amused by it. I couldn't help but grin even though I still felt a bit nervous with his hands firmly gripping my hips. I'd never been touched like that before, not to mention by a guy… a really cute guy, even…

He leaned in close to me so I could hear him as he asked, "Who was that girl that you and Farrah talking to at the bar? I couldn't see."

"My sister, Nyx. She just left with some friends."

His eyes lit up, and then he looked disappointed. "Aw, man. I've been wanting to meet her, I can't believe I missed my chance."

"Cause I am reaching for you but my arms aren't long enough… and I am running to you, if I could go a little faster. And I am crying to you but I can't hear my own voice. And I am waiting for you. I'm trying not to fall asleep now…"

"Believe me, you didn't miss much. She'd probably just say hi and leave. That's all she did with us… of course, she took a bit of time to tease me, too…"

"About what?"

"The fact that I was dancing. I've never danced before tonight."

"What!? Never?" Zac was shocked. I shook my head. "You are weird!"

I laughed. "Yeah, I know."

"Well, are you having fun tonight?"

I smiled at him. "Tons. Thanks."

"'Cause I am clumsily dancing away this fear. I'm stumbling closer to you and I'm Tumbling over my pride… I will be a fool for you."

Zac shrugged, just looking at me. I felt my face heat up a bit and I looked away, out at the other dancers. I still felt his eyes on me after a little while, and it made me kind of nervous. I nibbled on my lip. I thought that action was very subtle, but apparently it wasn't because his hand left my side and he pressed two fingers to my chin. He tugged very gently on my skin and pulled my lip out from between my teeth.

"You shouldn't do that," he said softly, smiling. "You might hurt yourself."

Now I was sure I was blushing as I grinned bashfully, my head down a bit. He lifted my chin with his hand before letting go to let his hand return to where it was, but when he touched my hip he let his hand move further so it rested on the small of my back and pulled me closer.

My heart raced. I was totally crushing on him.

I felt shy and awkward then, and probably looked like an idiot just standing there staring at him as he smiled at me. I searched my brain for something to say to him, and I ended up bringing forth the dumbest topic.

"S-so you said that… Murphy warmed up to you," I sputtered. I wanted to smack myself.

"Yeah, totally," he said enthusiastically. "Your Mom did the same thing you did when I came over that night… but he recognized me a bit. He was jumping all over me and trying to lick my face and everything. He even chilled with me while I was watching TV after chasing a really fat cat around the house… I don't remember seeing it last time. How many pets do you have?"

"Just them. Murphy and three cats. I think Cal is going to take one of the cats off our hands, though… the fat one. I mean, she's hers, anyway. Her name is Pepper. The black one is Draco, he's mine, and the other one is Melinda. She belongs to Nyx."

"That's a lot of cats."

"Once we had, like, twelve at once… because we had this one cat a while back and she would just not stop getting pregnant. She was a slutty cat." Zac laughed at my joke. "You have any?"

"What are you thinking as you look down on me? Are you frustrated with my inconsistency? Or intrigued that I can find the will to get back up or… maybe all of this is simply amusing?"

"Slutty cats? Nope." He grinned. "I had two dogs. But… they both got hit by a car, actually. One last year, and one in March."

I gasped and looked at him sadly. "Oh, man, that's horrible…"

He nodded. "It was really bad."

"People are so careless on the road," I growled. "Especially when animals are around. It pisses me off. Thats why I'm scared to let my pets out… man, it sucks so bad that both of them died that way. I'm sorry."

"Cause I am reaching for you but my arms aren't long enough…"

Zac was nodding still. "I agree… it's insane."

"What kind were they?"

"Teddy was a cocker spaniel… and Ben," he chuckled. "Well, Ben was a stray. We took him in and he ended up being the most awesome dog… you could do anything with him. All he wanted you to do was hold him."

"Aww." I smiled. I was feeling relaxed once again, as all of my anxiety from moments before melted away.

"He'd stay there forever if you'd let him. But we don't know what he was. He was a little black dog, really hairy. He looked just like Benji."

I was confused. The only thing that the name Benji made me picture was that ugly guy from Good Charlotte that a lot of girls obsessed over. Was that who he meant? Weird... "Benji?"

"Yeah, that kids movie, the one with the grayish, hairy dog. Er -- I think he was a TV show."

I laughed. "I don't remember that. And at first I thought you meant that Benji guy from Good Charlotte, 'cause their song was playing earlier. But I wasn't sure."

Zac burst out laughing, making me laugh more. "Oh, yes, my dog looked just like the guy from Good Charlotte! I'm tellin you, he had the tattoos and everything!"

"And I'm clumsily dancing away this fear… I'm stumbling closer to you and I'm tumbling over my pride… I will be a fool for you."

It was well past nine-thirty that night when Zac and I stopped dancing. He didn't want to sit down. He was having too much fun acting crazy and dancing like a moron on the dance floor. The others joined in eventually, though Greta had to drag Mike out as he complained about his hatred for dancing. He gave in to her though, and he did end up having fun like I did. The group dance lasted for a while, but some of us separated after a bit and then we all came together at our table when we realized it was getting late. Half of us had school the following day. I made a miserable face as this was mentioned and Zac, who still had his arm around me from dancing, gave me a half hug and turned my frown into a smile.

We gathered our stuff and left the club only to walk out into pouring rain. It was coming down hard, but not as hard as the night that Zac got rained in at my house and Veda showed up at my window completely drenched. That night, at times, the rain had been so thick and fast that you couldn't see five feet in front of you if you were outside. This was different. It poured and poured, but we could clearly see everything across the parking lot and beyond.

Since everyone was tired and lived on the other side of the town, I said good-bye to the others before they ran out into the rain and piled into Greta's car. I got a quick hug from each of them. That was a weird experience for me. I didn't hug people much. I never really felt comfortable doing it, but our good-byes made me realize that I just didn't have a lot of people in my life to hug. I watched them scramble into Greta's car after Zac said good-bye as well with promises to call them, and then he grabbed my arm. We dashed toward his car and climbed in so quickly that only our hair and out shoulders ended up damp. After buckling our seatbelts he started the engine and I shook the water out of my hair. Some of the drops hit him and he yelped, and then quietly murmured about how he missed his long hair sometimes.

"How long was it when you cut it?" I asked as I took my half ponytail out, so the top lay of my hair fell onto the rest.

"Too long," Zac said, glancing at me as I ran a hand through my hair. He looked away quickly, almost shyly. He looked extremely intriguing at that moment. His eyes focused on the road so he could drive us out of the Cue Club parking lot. "Well past my shoulders. Almost to my elbows," he added after some thought.

"Dang."

"Yup."

"When I was little I never brushed my hair. Ever. I was too impatient for it," I said as I played with it. "But then my hair got matted, because it was thick and long. My Mom grabbed a pair of scissors and told me she was going to give me a trim. But when she sent me to the bathroom to look at it, it was all gone. She hacked it off and made me look like a boy."

Zac laughed a lot at this. "Oh, man, that was cruel. Your Mom is funny."

"Oh, she's a riot," I said dully. He continued to chuckle about it as he drove me home.

When we reached my house, he parked on the side of the road in front of it. He turned to look at me expectantly and butterflies fluttered around in my stomach, hitting my insides. I was nervous, wondering why he was giving me that look. Not knowing what else to do, I just smiled at him as I took my seatbelt off.

"Thanks for the ride," I said with a shaky sigh. He half-smiled at me. His mouth was so crooked. It was adorable. I couldn't stand it. "Goodnight," I told him quickly before pushing my door open. I got out and as I pushed the door shut he cut the engine. I waited a second and then he popped up on the other side of the car, then ran around it and grabbed my hand.

"I'll walk you to your door," he said to me, raising his voice over the sound of the rain. I just nodded and we sprinted off up the driveway. We were nearly soaking when we jumped up the stairs and through the screen door to stand under the safety of the porch. He shook the water out of his hair after letting go of my hand. At first he ran his hands through his short strands, but then he just let go and shook himself like a dog, splashing water on me like I'd done to him minutes before. I just laughed; I didn't mind because I was just as soaked as he was, and it was funny anyway.

"Thank you," I said, sighing with satisfaction. He grinned at me. I stared at him with an appreciating smile. "For… lots of things, actually. For being here when I got home, for taking me to get ice cream, for hanging out with me at the club… for dancing with me," I laughed. "For walking me to my door in the rain… you really didn't have to do that."

He shrugged. "It's just rain. Seems to rain a lot when I come around here." He looked out into the night beyond my porch, watching the rainfall for a second. Then he snapped back and turned to me. "Anyway, you're welcome. Always."

"I've got one more, though," I said. "Thank you for making my horrible day end as a great night."

Zac stared at me for a few seconds, and then he smiled brightly. "It's what I'm here for."

I returned the look he gave me, and then I hugged him. It wasn't the simple, casual hug that I'd exchanged with his friends - or our friends - and it wasn't anything ordinary for me. I wrapped my arms around him and squeezed. He didn't miss a single beat and hugged me back tightly. My insides quivered as I felt his face pressed against my hair. I heard him breathe in, and hoped that my hair didn't smell weird…

Soon I let go, and stepped back. He was still smiling. "You sleep well, okay? And don't worry about those people at school. They don't know you. There's always going to be an asshole hoping to screw things up for you, but just remember what you have to come home to, you know?"

You, my mind replied, surprising me. I have you to come home to. I smiled. I had friends to come home to.

I just nodded, unable to think of anything to say.

"I'll call you later, then."

I nodded again. "Be careful on your way home. Drive safe."

"I surely will," he said, his tone very spirited. He raised his fingers to my face and lifted my chin again. As I grinned, he stepped back and waved good-bye. I returned the gesture, saying goodnight as he turned and walked out the screen door. I pulled it shut behind him and watched him run down the driveway to scramble into his car. When he was inside, I saw his dark figure shake the water off again. He started the car and I went inside the house after he drove off.

I sighed again as I went inside, calling out to Mom to tell her I was home. I went upstairs unable to wipe the smile off my face as I thought of my friends. In my room, I kicked off my shoes and changed into my nightclothes, ready to go to sleep. I went to the bathroom and washed up then removed my make up before I walked back to my bed drying my damp hair with a towel.

When I sat down, I stared at the floor for a long time before a green glow caught my attention. Turning, I looked at my windowsill and watched as the fireflies in the big jar Zac gave me glowed. I continued to watch as I turned my light off, then I climbed in under the covers and stared. The fireflies flashed at me one by one over and over again. It made me feel safe. It was a perfect nightlight.

The emerald light seemed to radiate in the dark, pulling me into a sleepy trance before I fell asleep thinking of Zac. It had been a perfect night.

But tonight business and books were not on our minds. She held me in her arms as I used her lap as a pillow and she stroked my curvy hair. It was an attempt to comfort me in my distressed state and it always worked really well. I couldn't remember the last time I really cried, not to mention in front of anyone. I hated doing that. I hated crying, be it alone or even in front of my mother. But the worst thing about me crying in her lap at that moment was the fact that I was crying over school. Yeah, school. Nothing too horrible had happened to me. Nobody was in an accident, nobody died, I didn't lose my cat, I still had those new people I could call my friends. But I still had to go to school. It was Friday, the last day of my first week of school, and nothing good had happened since Monday, the last day I saw Zac.

He'd been very busy all week as he had told me briefly in the car. He was working hard on his album, and when we called each other a few times he told me about the process. He and his brothers got together and jammed in the basement, and worked out the music for a bit. Their sisters would give input because he said they were basically their number one fans, and after that they'd take it to Taylor's where they'd record it in his basement. I think he'd said it was Taylor's. Might have been someone else's house. He was scheduled to go away over the weekend for business in LA, but he told me he wanted to make plans when he got back. I tried to spend my week remembering what he said to me after he walked me to my door in the rain. Remember what you have to come home to. It was hard.

The only peaceful time I had in school was during English class. Everyone knew they had no chance of getting away with being cruel to anyone because Ms. Silverman didn't miss a thing. She punished any wrongdoers, saying she had no tolerance for closed minds in her classroom. When she stated this a student shot back saying that she was a hypocrite for that then, because if she has no tolerance than that means she's close-minded as well. Ms. Silverman did not hesitate for even a second as she replied with "So I'm a hypocrite." She shrugged her shoulders. "You only get what you give, buddy." He was very quiet after this. It made me smile. She certainly was unlike any teacher I'd ever known.

After my second day back, I decided not to tell anyone about what people did to me there, because when I confided in Veda she rolled her eyes at me and said things like, 'why don't you do something about it instead of complaining?' Well, what kind of successful protest can I make when it's me against what feels like the entire school? She didn't seem to really believe how bad it was. I could barely believe it myself but it was really happening the way I'd told her - people would yell rude things after me in the hall, my books got knocked away from me twice in one day, people deliberately blocked my locker during breaks so I had to lug my books around everywhere in order to get to classes on time.

Random things kept hitting the back of my head, nobody sat with me at lunch, and when certain people like Shawna Bell and her girlfriends or Duncan Storke and his stupid cronies were nearby, they'd squeal at me, repeating the same things relating to the Baker Street party. School had always been hell for me but it was never this ridiculous. If only I hadn't gone to that stupid party. What happened never would have happened, and I'd still just be that weird loner who never talks to anyone. Veda didn't understand why everyone picked on me so much, so she kind of just acted like it didn't happen. So I didn't tell her about it. I just dealt with it on my own for the whole week, but I just couldn't carry it on my own on Friday. I was so drained. I called my Mom during lunch - which I skipped - and asked her to pick me up after school since she wouldn't come get me early.

"What happened?" she asked, as I calmed down in her study.

I sighed. My breath shook. "I don't know. Nothing. Everything."

"Veda won't help you?"

I shook my head. "She's distracted," I told Mom, half-lying to cover up for her behavior. "Cheerleading tryouts are on the twelfth and she's bent on making the team."

"That's not right," Mom said softly. "You're her best friend. Being a cheerleader shouldn't be more important than that."

"Maybe it should, maybe it shouldn't." I sat up, turning away. "It doesn't matter. I'm going to bed."

"Honey, why don't I come with you to school on Monday to talk to your Principal? We could probably-"

"You could probably make it worse that way. Really. I'll be fine."

"You don't look fine."

I shrugged. "Tired. Skipped lunch today." I kissed her cheek then left her there in her study to sigh alone.

I went upstairs and changed before climbing into bed. The sun was still going down as I stared out my window past the blinking green lights that were still glowing in the jar, miraculously. Most of them had faded out, but there were at least three left. As I stared at them I decided that I wouldn't let them all die in there, so I got out of bed and opened my window. I grabbed the jar in one hand and dragged my blanket with my other as I climbed out the window, my steps very careful and cautious as I straddled the windowsill. The porch roof was tilted but flat enough to stand still on as I pulled the blanket all the way out the window. I wrapped it around my waist and sat down with my knees to my chest, and I felt my heart pounding loud against them. I sat still and looked down. I could see it thudding hard inside my chest, like it was fighting to jump out.

Raising my eyes, I looked out at the wide yard beyond our house. The orange skyline stopped right above the trees of the woods that lined our property. The backyard was big enough to host multiple parties, but I'd never gone more than fifty feet into the yard while playing with Murphy. I didn't want to go near the woods.

Sighing, I looked at the jar in my hands and began to roughly twist the cap off. I set it beside me on a tile before I pulled out the tiny branch and leaves that were inside, until the jar was empty. I put it down away from the cap and then hugged myself, watching as the fireflies flew away.

I stayed right where I was, frozen to the spot like the gargoyles on the sides of my school. I stayed and stared at the skyline, watching the colors in the sky, as they turned deeper and became more vibrant as the sun set. When darkness began to fall over the house, I got up and crawled back in through the window. I closed it again before I went to sleep, and it was the first thing I saw when I woke up the next morning.

I climbed out of bed without bothering to change or pull pants on over my underwear. My pink t-shirt came down to my knees so I just went to the bathroom before going downstairs to find something to eat. It was noon, and I'd apparently slept over twelve hours. My mind was blank and I didn't think much about why I was crying the night before. I was focused on the box of Kix sitting on top of the refrigerator waiting for me.

As I poured myself a bowl at the counter, Calvine walked in and went straight for the fridge while adjusting an earring in her ear. "Morning sunshine," she said to me sweetly. I glared at the cabinets in front of me as if willing them to burst into flame. "How's school going?" I grunted as I picked up the bottle of milk, ready to pour it over my cereal. Cal shut the fridge then and came over, grabbing it right out of my hand. "Ooh, thanks." She kept it for herself and got a cup out of the cabinet. She nearly hit my head with it but I managed to duck in time. Cal then took her time to pour herself a glass of milk before she gave it back so I could have my breakfast.

"I love having you over for breakfast," I growled as I poured my milk. I put it away and then dug into the sugar bowl with my spoon to sweeten up my cereal. As I sprinkled it over my Kix, Cal ignored me.

"I'm visiting dad this weekend," she told me, wiping away her milk mustache. "I promised him I'd fix him up with my mechanic but I really wish it was another day because there's this meeting I have to back out of and I don't want to have to."

"Then just blow him off," I replied, my voice squeaky and hoarse from sleep. "It's not like you actually owe him that much."

Cal scoffed, like it was a ridiculous idea. "He's my dad, I can't blow him off."

I rolled my eyes. "You just keep telling yourself that. How many times has he blown you off?"

"Not many. I don't see him enough for him to blow me off all the time."

"There you go. He doesn't even take the time to speak to you regularly… or any of us, for that matter. That is, unless he wants our money."

"Keavy, just because you're bitter, doesn't mean I have to be."

"And just because you're blind, doesn't mean I'm bitter. I'm realistic. You're an idiot."

"Whatever," she spat angrily. "I'm leaving. God…"

I said nothing as she walked out of the kitchen and left the house. I was happy to see her go. When I was alone, I picked up my bowl and went into the dining room to eat. I sat there silently crunching on my cereal, listening to the sounds of the house. Murphy barked somewhere a few times, and I heard a bit of thunder as a cat ran speedily across the hall. Whenever things were calm and cool among us humans in this house, the cats' lives were complete chaos, and vice versa. It was crazy.

When I finished my cereal, I contemplated getting another bowl as I sat back against my seat. I looked around the room and spotted a door. At first I thought it was a closet, but then I remembered it was the door to the basement, which I'd never touched even while living in that house for three years. Suddenly instead of thinking scary thoughts, I was completely curious and got up to inspect it. I left my bowl where it was and crossed the wooden floor with slow steps. The door was ajar, and when I pulled it open it was very dark down the stairs. I got a chill, but it went away when I flicked the light switch and the basement lit up. Without much hesitation, I began to descend the stairs and enter the basement.

It was much different from Zac's. While there was a small path going around the room, boxes were stacked ceiling to floor on old tables and desks and exercise machines and toys from childhood. It was very dusty but bright. It looked smaller than it probably was. The windows were bigger than the ones in my memory.

I sat down on the cold floor at the bottom of the stairs with my back against the stonewall. I hugged my knees and stared around, wondering why I was down there. Nothing scared me, though. Nothing freaked me out… other than the huge spider that crawled by two feet away from me. I curled myself into the smallest ball I could manage and stared at it, watching it cross my path and disappear under the stairs. I wished then that Cal hadn't left. I would have called her down to ask her help for something, and then point out the spider. She'd have a heart attack because she had the most intense arachnophobia to ever be known on the planet, and that spider was huge.

As I grinned over this idea, I spotted a box that had 'Christmas' written on it with two different colored sharpies - red and green. Probably the work of Cal. She was bubbly like that. I pushed myself to my feet and walked over to the box after looking around for another spider, and I opened the box slowly, coughing a bit as dust flew up into my face. The first thing in the box was a roll of Christmas lights. The second I touched them, I got a grand idea, and within a minute I was up in my room with a step stool, a stapler and an extension cord.

The light strings were long enough to go all around my room. I stapled them to the perimeter, curving them between posters and around wide shapes that magazine clippings made. Beautiful faces stared at me as I punched the staples into the wall, holding the string in place. The colors in the pictures were vibrant against my lavender wall. I stared back and nearly dropped the metal tool on my bare feet as I pondered the eyelashes of a model painted gold in one of the pictures. They were too thick to be real. Fake eyelashes were way too tacky, even for my liking. Too Anna-Nicole. I shuddered.

It took me what felt like an hour, but was probably just a half in reality. Soon I had the light string up in the tiny corners between the ceiling and my walls, waiting to be turned on, for their moment to shine. I sat in the middle of the floor to wait for it to be dark enough, and I looked around. The dark green strings looked normal up there.

With hours before sundown still ahead, I went downstairs to curl up on the couch with a movie. I couldn't find anything to watch, so I channel surfed for a while as I watched the cats walk by in the hall one by one, and then eventually Murphy trotted in, tongue hanging out of his mouth, and he jumped up on the couch with me. I made room for him and he lay beside me, looking up with sad eyes. He was bored. He wanted me to play with him. I was tired. I didn't feel well. He'd have to settle for a shared nap.

The sounds of his huffing and puffing as he breathed himself into a stupor relaxed me and put me to sleep as well. But my nap was in no way as pleasant as his was. I slept fitfully on the couch with visions of dark places dancing around in my head. I heard yelling and footsteps and creaking floors, I felt branches breaking, and leaves slipping under my feet. Everything was fuzzy. I couldn't open my eyes wide enough to see where I was going. I woke up sweating and breathless around the time when the sky was starting to get dark. That was the way I'd woken up all week. It wasn't until that evening that I realized why. I was having those nightmares again. Suddenly it all flooded back, and I started remembering the details of every weary dream. I closed my eyes again for a second and rubbed my face as I sat up.

Don't think about it, I told myself. It's not even real. It didn't happen. It's too ridiculous to be real. They're just dreams.

Dragging my feet, I climbed the stairs to go to the bathroom. My room was dark as I crossed it, so when I came out of the bathroom I plugged the extension cord in. "Let there be light," I muttered as I plugged it in, and then my command was heeded when different dark shades of florescent lights flooded my room coming from every corner. I turned my stereo on to listen to Tegan and Sara and sat in the middle of the floor again to observe them. They made me smile and forget about my nightmares.

I imagined that the sun was down completely and they were the only source of light left in the house. They were perfect to sleep to. I hated waking in the middle of the night only to open my eyes to more blackness, but I could never sleep with the lights on because they were so bright. These were perfect, though. Left enough darkness to let me sleep, but it allowed me to see what I needed to. Red, orange, green, and blue lit up my face. The lights made me feel warm. I closed my eyes against them and watched them flash through my eyelids. I tried to think of a color that I hated. I couldn't come up with one.

"Go downtown, catch an early movie… the shows are cheaper, they don't mind if you put your feet up. She's out on the highway, she's got a home-made sign that says 'go ahead, try to figure out what my future looks like.' I don't want to live my life like a story always thinking I could have been something…"

Knock, knock. My door swung away from it's frame and Nyx stood there, looking around. "Hey," she said. "Door was open. Can I hang?" She walked inside without waiting for an answer. Not that I was actually going to answer her. I didn't have the energy to offer an invitation. She sat down on the floor beside me against the side of my bed and glanced around. "Nice. Where'd you get the lights?"

"Basement," I said, studying my nails. If you could call them that. My pinky nail was getting longer now, so once I saw it I started nibbling on it.

Nyx looked at me. Knowing my battle against that habit, she pulled my hand away. I expected her to just put it down in my lap, but she held onto it. "What were you doing in the basement?"

I shrugged. If I knew, I… probably would have still been silent.

"Don't run along side and control me. Just film away and let me be. At ease, I… I feel fine. I'll move on. I'll go on."

"You hate the basement," she said thoughtfully. "It really looks nice. It's very mellow. Very you."

"When did you get home?" I asked. She'd been in Oklahoma City all week. She and her friends had planned to stay at our house, but the plans changed at the last minute and they went back to Ally's. Or it might have been Mona's. I could never remember which.

"A few hours ago. I saw you napping on the couch. You didn't look happy. I tried to wake you up but you were practically dead to us all," she laughed, but silenced herself quickly when I didn't join in. "Bad dreams?"

I nodded. "Yeah. All week."

"What happened in them?"

"Flashbacks," I said quickly, not exactly willing to discuss it. I felt a bit uncomfortable.

"There's something so divided. Don't worry about me I'll be fine. Don't live your life for me or for anyone. You live your life as if you're one. You live your life as if you're one…"

She was quiet for a while, knowing what I meant. Nyx had always been as willing as I was to talk about my 'abduction' and I was very grateful for that, even though sometimes I felt that she was ignoring it and that would hurt. I counted the silent seconds with the flashing lights. One… two… three… ha, five little bulbs in a row were out. Go figure. Eight… nine… ten-"Have you talked to mom about it?"

I shook my head. "She'll just send me to the doctor. What's the doctor supposed to do?"

"Give you medicine."

"So now there's a special medication to stop bad dreams?" I sighed. "Hand it over, then. They can't do anything about it. It's my problem."

"It doesn't have to be."

When I didn't reply, Nyx grew quiet. We just stared around the room at the lights, listening to the music. I loved Tegan and Sara. They were twin sisters and they wrote music together and performed it together. I'd read that they were close despite fighting a lot. I wished I could have had a relationship like that with Nyx, or even both my sisters, but Calvine annoyed me so all we did was fight, and Nyx was never around. That was why I always thought of her when I listened to the song we were hearing now, 'Divided.'

"Find quiet. It's awful quiet. How can you be mad? We've just got started. I want to shave my head and lie in bed, all day long. How can you be mad? We've just got started You live your life as if you're one. Live your life as if you're one…"

"How's Mona?" I asked suddenly, upon remembering the mention of her friends at the Cue Club.

"Pregnant," Nyx replied casually.

"Dang."

"Mmm." Nyx sighed now. "She'll be okay, though. Her parents are supportive and Robbie's not going anywhere."

"That's good." I glanced sideways at her. She looked sad. "What's wrong?"

Nyx gave me a little half-smile. "Ethan and I broke up." She shrugged as I gave her a sympathetic look. "I'm fine, though. Just didn't work out this time."

Find quiet… it's awful quiet.

My cell phone broke the repetitive silence very abruptly. It started to ring in its spot next to my bed, so I pushed myself up to sit on my mattress as I leaned over to pick it up. Zac was calling. I felt more energized as a smile spread over my face.

"Hello," I answered.

"Hey girl," he replied loudly, in a silly accent. It sounded like he was talking over a lot of noise.

"What's up? Where you at?"

"Airport," he said, still loudly. "We're getting an early flight home."

"But you just got in yesterday."

"Yeah, we were way ahead of schedule, we got everything done really quickly. I'm going to be home in a few hours but I'm totally awake, I've had like five cups of coffee today. The jitters finally wore off about twenty minutes ago. And I figured, hey, since it's Saturday, and not a school night, why don't I call up my favorite little school girl--"

"Killing you for that when you get home," I interrupted quickly.

He went on as if I'd said nothing. "--And see what she's up to this evening. Mike and Penelope are coming over once I get in and we're going for a swim before I have to close up the pool come fall. How about I swing by and pick you up? What do you say? You busy?"

I looked up. Nyx was rising to her feet right then. She gave me a smile and a wave good-bye before slipping out of my room. I returned my attention to the conversation I was having with Zac and smiled.